FINDING THE LIGHT

Finding the Light

As this year has felt unexpectedly dark, due to the pandemic - among many other global and local things - I’ve found myself really looking forward to Hanukkah this year.

Usually, for my family, Hanukkah comes in the context of our annual trip to Florida where we do and see the same things we’ve done and seen for the last decade, at least. Our traditions are set in stone and it feels at once like an adventurous vacation and a warm cocoon where everything is safe and expected.

My family’s usual travel plans have been ruined - like basically everyone’s - and it  feels so strange to me to look back on the blog I wrote last year about how I loved the comfort in consistency that I found in the trip each year. It seems like last year’s world was a completely different place, and there are so many things now that I could never have imagined.

Strangely enough, however, I find myself looking forward to Hanukkah not as a break from a dismal world but as a continuation of the love and comfort I’ve experienced with my family these last few weeks. Ever since I returned home after Chicago’s second lockdown, I have experienced all the same things I love the most about my family’s annual trip, even if we’re not actually there.

Instead of the trip I’ve always loved, I am getting to spend time with my parents in the everyday sort of way I’ve missed so much since I left for college. Every moment with Nana means so much more when there are things we can’t do, like hug. But even if we’re sitting six feet apart with masks on, it still feels like we’re bonding just as close as always. Even if we’re not dipping our toes in the sand or eating my favorite French fries (with a fork!), we are enjoying the togetherness of family for a duration unlike anything I’ve been able to experience before.

This happiness, however, is mingled with various fears. My family and I are still very afraid of the virus, of the state of things in the country, and a world not operating by its normal rules. But even though I’m afraid of all these things - and more - I plan to light my Hanukkah candles this year with hope in my heart. Even if the light of the candles is shining on my old kitchen table instead of a Floridian beach, and even if my family is standing six feet apart, we can still bring light to dark times both literally and metaphorically. 

At times like this when the world feels overwhelming, I like to think of one of my favorite quotes of all time, from the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy (big surprise there!). At a particularly hard time for Frodo towards the end of The Two Towers, Sam offers these words of wisdom that I hang around my walls and save on my computer and remind myself of whenever times are bad:

“It’s all wrong.

By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are.

It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered.

Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened?

But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass.

A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.

Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now.

Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding on to something.”

As the pandemic drags on into the dark days of winter, it’s more important than ever to find time for self-care and adapting beloved family and holiday rituals to the new normal. It may be stressful and difficult, but in the end, I believe that - just like Samwise Gamgee said - the sun will shine out the clearer, and finding our own light this Hanukkah is a wonderful way to start finding the light in the world beyond our front doors.

Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

140.8

140.8

TW: Food, weight loss

For the first time in nearly a decade, I have reached my weight loss goal - almost.

After years of being unhappy with the way I ate to cope with my mental health, I lost almost 30 pounds since the beginning of the pandemic. In fact, I’m only 0.8 of a pound away from my final goal - which sounds very good to just about everyone but me.

I’ve been a perfectionist for years and when I set a goal for myself, I always strive to hit it exactly. It’s like the fact that I just finished National Novel Writing Month for the tenth time, and if I got anything less than 50,000 words, even by a tiny bit, I wouldn’t count it as a win.

At the same time, though, I’m starting to realize that there are more things to consider here than the decimal point on the scale. I’ve consciously made the choice to lose weight in a healthy way - slowly and over time - instead of trying to do a fad diet or some other option that makes things go too fast. I didn’t want to get caught in the trap of counting calories because I feel like having a history of counting things in general (and then obsessing over the numbers), so I don’t count bites or weigh food - I learned about portion sizes and went from there.

The biggest hurdle I faced - beyond the temptation of junk food and chocolate - was the idea that I couldn’t eat healthy thanks to the way I think about food. Since I’m so afraid to try new foods, I thought I wouldn’t be able to make and keep a healthy pattern. Instead, this new journey helped me realize just how far I’ve come and has inspired me to try even more things in the future.

Even though I feel very positive overall about my progress and accomplishment, I am still having a problem with the fact that the scale says 140.8. My initial goal was to lose 30 pounds and I’ve lost 29.2, which I sometimes have trouble seeing thanks to my very prevalent “all or nothing” thoughts.

In CBT, I learned that these thoughts are often tied to perfectionism and that I would need to work to be able to see the middle ground. I practiced with different kinds of “all or nothing” thoughts, trying to see that I was capable of making progress without being completely finished with something immediately.

For this particular “all or nothing” thought that I am not doing well because I haven’t finished my weight loss journey, it doesn’t help that my workout apps tell me I still have 0.8 of a pound to go to reach my goal, that I’m not there yet, that I need to keep working. It doesn’t help when I’m using my parents’ scale that refuses to budge from 140.8 no matter how much I eat or don’t eat, work out or don’t work out.

Instead of letting myself spiral into the thought that I’m either perfect or horrible at losing weight, however, I’m trying to find the middle ground. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s about the process, that I enjoy the way I look and the new habits I’ve formed, and that I’m proud of myself for making it this far. Even if I’m not at exactly 140.0, there are still successes I can celebrate and ways to get myself excited about what’s to come instead of bemoaning that I’m not quite there yet.

Adapting to a new way of thinking, especially when I’ve been alternately criticizing myself for my unhealthy coping mechanism and trying to lose weight, has been difficult for me. I don’t know when to take it easy on myself and when to be stringent. And all the while, I’m very aware of what could happen if I swing too far in either direction.

I hope that I can hit 140.0 sometime soon, but I hope even more that I can use this time in my life as a way to work through some of my more prevalent intrusive thought patterns and work on my mental health in addition to my physical health.

Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

OKAY

Okay

For the last eight and a half years, my biggest fear has been returning to the horrible place in my head where I was after my blood clot: depressed, plagued by negative thoughts intruding into my mind every minute of every day, unable to stop myself from panicking, and basically having no quality of life even though I had friends, family, and plenty to live for.

Every time I felt myself backsliding even a little, I instantly became terrified that I would become “bad off” like I was back then. I watched myself carefully for signs and symptoms of decreasing functionality, and I always felt the need to ask my psychiatrist who guided me through that horrible time in my life if she thought I was heading back in that direction.

Every time, she would always say no. And every time, she - and my family - would tell me that I have much better coping mechanisms now than I did then, and I know what medications help me when I need it most. I would be able to figure it out if it ever happened - not that it ever would.

And then, the puppy incident happened.

When the puppy was in my house, my brain was revving at all hours of the day and night. I wasn’t eating and thanks to the puppy screaming whenever she wasn’t touching me, I wasn’t sleeping. Just like eight years ago, I started to despair that things could get better, as I had intended to raise this puppy and keep her throughout her life. I could feel myself slipping, and I made the difficult but ultimately right choice to return the puppy to a breeder for more specialized physical and mental healthcare.

As soon as the puppy was out of my home, I started to feel a little more relaxed, but I was well aware that I was experiencing a relapse. I hadn’t had a relapse like this in years, and naturally, my mind went to eight years ago and the similarities I couldn’t ignore.

Even though the specific negative thoughts were the same, I was living with many intrusive thoughts making it difficult for me to concentrate on work. My favorite activities felt less fun and I had way too much energy. I started to wonder if things were going to keep deteriorating until I was at that same point I had to work for over a year to claw myself out of.

The next week, I did every coping mechanism I could think of. I built time into my schedule to hang out with my friends. I made sure to eat and sleep as best as I could, even if the sleeping came easier to me. I made time every day to go outside for some fresh air and physical activity. And every time an intrusive thought entered my mind, I told myself that “thoughts are thoughts, not threats” and did my best to move on as quickly as possible.

After a relapse, I always have a harder time being alone, so when the COVID restrictions on Chicago increased, I returned home once again. By that time - the following weekend - I was feeling a lot more like myself, albeit with more intrusive thoughts than usual. I settled back into a comfortable routine. The next week passed quickly, and a thought occurred to me while I was out getting ice cream with my parents on Sunday.

Two weeks to the day after I returned the puppy to the breeder, I felt okay.

In the meantime, I was having an increase in intrusive thoughts. In the first few days when I noticed this, that old, familiar fear came back to haunt me. Even though it had been over eight years, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget how it felt to be a prisoner in my own head. But within the first two weeks, I was able to banish the intrusive thoughts and calm myself down sufficiently that I didn’t feel like I was in a relapse anymore.

I still feel like I’m in a more fragile state than usual. Everything happened so fast and so recently that I’m still finding my footing in some ways. But, as opposed to the fear I’ve held for the last eight and a half years, I was able to conquer this on my own.

I didn’t “go crazy” like I feared. Instead of flailing about like a chicken with its head cut off, I knew exactly what was wrong and what I needed to do to fix it. I didn’t fall so far like I did in college, even though some of my physical and mental responses were reminiscent of back then. I was stronger. I was able to keep myself calm and use the principles from therapy and CBT to keep myself afloat, and returning to normal took a much shorter time than I would ever expect from a relapse.

Just like my family and psychiatrist told me, I am strong enough to beat a relapse like this, especially using the same techniques that helped me all those years ago. Contrary to the thoughts that have frightened me since then, I am able to conquer a relapse far more efficiently and effectively than years ago. I can be okay, even after I don’t think it’s possible.

I hope to carry this increased faith in myself to the next relapse, which I’m sure will happen at some point. I used to like to think I had “outgrown” OCD once I stopped doing most of my compulsions, but now I am reframing things: I live in a state where I am okay most of the time, and when I’m not, I know the steps I can take to get me back there. I don’t need to be afraid of losing control if I know that I can gain it back and go back to the life I have worked so hard to live.

Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

THOUGHTS AREN'T THREATS

Thoughts Aren’t Threats

TW: Self-harm thoughts

Now that Chicago - among many other places - is in a second wave of the pandemic, I’ve been trying to take some time to think about ways to stay calm. One of the major things I’ve thought of is a refresher of my cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) work that I started during my junior year of college. Even though a lot of the things I worked on in CBT have become second nature, I felt now is a good time to work on some of the basics in a more formal way to ensure strength in potentially difficult days to come.

The first - and maybe even the most important - thing I remember from CBT is a mantra I worked on with my therapist and that features prominently in a book that’s helped me a lot over the years (The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD). It’s a simple phrase to help diffuse tension in the moments when thoughts feel insurmountably tough to conquer.

It’s a simple phrase: “Thoughts are thoughts, not threats.” And it means exactly what it says: no matter how threatening a thought may seem to me, no matter how bleak the future seems if I accept a thought as true, it is still just a thought. It’s just one of the many thousands of thoughts that pass through my mind each and every day, and the only thing that makes some thoughts seem more powerful than others is that they feel threatening.

For example, when I was first learning about this way of thinking, I was often afraid around sharp objects like knives because I was afraid I was going to hurt myself with them. The thought made me alter my behavior - staying out of kitchens and the like - and that gave it even more power. “Now I can’t even be around knives,” I thought after I got used to avoiding them, and things kept escalating from there until these thoughts were pervasive and invaded my everyday life to an unbelievable extent.

Thankfully, it’s been years since a thought has had that much power over me, but even in the years since, I have had many times when I had to remind myself that the thoughts in my head are not necessarily going to happen. This is true about everything from the election results to COVID exposure to doing well on a task at work. No matter how insistent the thought is, or how many times I think it, it is just a thought.

During my initial CBT work, I used to have to write stories in which my thoughts were coming true. It was terrifying the first time I started typing, and the story - like my thoughts - soon started spiraling out of control until it was so much worse than I had imagined it before. But then, my therapist told me to just look at the screen. It was just a computer screen with words on it. There was no blood. No one was hurt. Nothing that I had written ever came true in real life, and that was because I am the one with the power to either make my thoughts come to life or choose a better way to deal with my anxiety.

By thinking that “thoughts are thoughts, not threats” over and over, I taught myself to apply this to my other thoughts even when I wasn’t writing worst-case scenarios in therapy anymore. After a while, it became second nature, although in a more stressful time, it’s helpful to repeat exercises like this for current negative thoughts I have and see that they, too, aren’t actually threatening me.

At the beginning of the pandemic, I practiced this with the thoughts that I was getting COVID from every breath I took even remotely near another person. But I never actually got COVID from any of those thoughts, and in time, they faded. I didn’t need to write out a scenario where I got it and got extremely sick because of the work I did before, but all that work set the stage for having an easier time now.

In the coming weeks, I plan to do a deep dive into the CBT techniques I remember, as well as work my way through a therapeutic journal. After everything that’s been happening in the world, plus the relapse I had recently with the puppy, now seems like a very good time to check in with myself and revisit the techniques that have helped me so much.

With the mantra of “thoughts are thoughts, not threats,” I’ve been able to convince myself that I’ve hit a hurdle in the road instead of going completely back to the beginning of my journey. I look forward to seeing how much more I can improve with the aid of CBT techniques, thought analysis, and everything else that has brought me out of tough times in the past, and create a great future.

Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

Self-care tips for the winter months of a pandemic...Guest Blogger

Creating an environment for yourself to thrive: self-care tips for the winter months of a pandemic.

by Iram Noor Ashgar

With winter just around the corner It is crucial for us all to get a handle on our routines and environments now more than ever. This can be an exciting journey though. We are creating our own worlds! Whether you live alone or with family, friends, children or partners, we all ultimately get to decide how we craft our spaces and structure our lives. This is a great opportunity to put some effort into making our days look and flow with as much ease as possible. 

1)    Set things up the night before 

There are so many stressors coming at us right now from both external and internal forces. It is important to provide yourself with a structure that supports you so that you aren't constantly battling yourself. 

How can you reorganize your space so that you can clearly move through all the tasks and activities of your day as soon as you wake up? 

If you often skip out on exercise because you are feeling low energy or dont have the right environment to support it, can you lay out your yoga mat the night before? Or perhaps pick out your workout clothes and set them out so they are ready when you wake up? 

How else can you support yourself? 

Fill up a bottle of water before you go to bed so it's ready for you to drink first thing in the morning. 

Take time to ask yourself what you need in a supportive environment and provide it for yourself. 

Sometimes that means making a couple big changes. This week I realized that my mattress was just not right for my body's needs at the moment and I switched to sleeping on a floor futon. 

What is your body telling you about your environment today ? 

2)    Create clear rituals and routines 

These can be especially helpful when we are dealing with mental health. Having a degree of predictability makes us feel safe and able to move through our day, Can you provide yourself with some predictable and supportive routines? 

That could be as simple as drinking a cup or water as soon as you wake up, or taking time to journal first thing in the morning. 

Setting aside sacred and predictable spaces for self-reflection are crucial for grounding our minds. Especially when everything else seems like it is moving, Having points of stability can be valuable anchors for peace and sanity. 

3)    Do some kind of physical activity 

There is really no right or wrong for this and everyone should find the type of physical activity that feels best for their body. This can also change from time to time and it's great to switch up the type of physical activity you do. 

You could go on walks or runs, do yoga, dance, do gentle stretches, strength training, …. really whatever speaks to you the most will be the most helpful.  

4)    Take time to quiet your mind 

This can be really hard! Some people like to meditate in silence while others like to use guided meditations or even just go for a mindful walk. With quieting your mind, again there is no right or wrong way to do it. 

I started out using guided meditations and then realized that I was getting interested in Zen meditation. At some point Zen meditation became difficult and I went back to guided meditations. I also find going on silent walks to be a great way to connect with myself and with my intuitive body. 

A way in which I have been adding magic and contemplation to my life has been through unplanned walks. I allow my curiosity to guide where I end up taking my silent walks and I often make fun discoveries along my path. The other day I found a couple of amazing books on one of these walks when I came across a little free library! 

Quieting our minds can be a way to get curious about what is going on in there, what tracks are playing, where do they lead you and which tracks of thought do you need to reevaluate? Are there unhealthy thoughts that you can redirect? Is there inspiration that you could nurture into a new project or idea? Silence is a great way to get to know yourself. 

5)    Take time to play!

A lot of people have been picking up new hobbies while at home. However, play doesn't just have to be a new hobby. It doesn't have to look like drawing or photography or a large new commitment. It could also be just watching the trees outside of your window, or trying a new way of thinking about something. Perhaps you add play to an existing habit or activity like making food. Play can simply look like finding out where you can let go and experiment with your life and not worry too much about the outcome. It could be taking time out of your day to doodle or adding playfulness to your cleaning routines - maybe you dance to 80s pop while vacuuming. Find a couple ways to shake up and add joy and experimentation to your life and see where that takes you, you might make some new discoveries about yourself. 

6)    Dress up just for you! 

Though we might be at home, the psychology of how we present ourselves still affects us tremendously. If you wear your sweats and pajamas around all day - odds are you are going to feel a little grimy at some point. It is so natural to want to do that, especially when you are barely seeing anyone. But this is also a great opportunity to love yourself! Dressing up just for you is a great way to show yourself some much needed love and attention. There is also no reason why you can't use this to experiment with new clothes. What colors make you feel like the real you? You are the only one that is around to see it and that is totally fine. It's a great way to enjoy that wonderful process. How do you want to present yourself to yourself (who btw is the most important person to present yourself to). During the pandemic, I have discovered that I gravitate more towards comfortable clothing. I like to wear similar silhouettes and quite honestly stick to a lot of the same clothes every day. This has led me to downsizing a lot of my wardrobe, which is exciting. Approaching things with curiosity and play in this way can make something that feels depressing, like dressing up when no one is going to see your sleek look and turn it into an empowering self discovery! 

I want to mention that it may not be possible to implement all these tools at the same time. It is important to integrate them slowly and thoughtfully into your life. The most important thing is being aware of tools and resources that you can provide yourself and listen to what your body actually needs. No two bodies are the same.

Having said that I wish you the best of luck on your journey to create a positive environment for your body and mind. It might be hard at first to consistently implement tools and experiment but once you find your rhythm, small changes can make a huge difference in your overall mood. 

Iram Asghar is a 24 year old, Chicago based Textile Artist who is very passionate about mental health advocacy and using art making as a healing modality to process emotions and trauma. She has a small textile art business and is always thinking of new ways to use art as a means to advocate for mental health.