140.8
TW: Food, weight loss
For the first time in nearly a decade, I have reached my weight loss goal - almost.
After years of being unhappy with the way I ate to cope with my mental health, I lost almost 30 pounds since the beginning of the pandemic. In fact, I’m only 0.8 of a pound away from my final goal - which sounds very good to just about everyone but me.
I’ve been a perfectionist for years and when I set a goal for myself, I always strive to hit it exactly. It’s like the fact that I just finished National Novel Writing Month for the tenth time, and if I got anything less than 50,000 words, even by a tiny bit, I wouldn’t count it as a win.
At the same time, though, I’m starting to realize that there are more things to consider here than the decimal point on the scale. I’ve consciously made the choice to lose weight in a healthy way - slowly and over time - instead of trying to do a fad diet or some other option that makes things go too fast. I didn’t want to get caught in the trap of counting calories because I feel like having a history of counting things in general (and then obsessing over the numbers), so I don’t count bites or weigh food - I learned about portion sizes and went from there.
The biggest hurdle I faced - beyond the temptation of junk food and chocolate - was the idea that I couldn’t eat healthy thanks to the way I think about food. Since I’m so afraid to try new foods, I thought I wouldn’t be able to make and keep a healthy pattern. Instead, this new journey helped me realize just how far I’ve come and has inspired me to try even more things in the future.
Even though I feel very positive overall about my progress and accomplishment, I am still having a problem with the fact that the scale says 140.8. My initial goal was to lose 30 pounds and I’ve lost 29.2, which I sometimes have trouble seeing thanks to my very prevalent “all or nothing” thoughts.
In CBT, I learned that these thoughts are often tied to perfectionism and that I would need to work to be able to see the middle ground. I practiced with different kinds of “all or nothing” thoughts, trying to see that I was capable of making progress without being completely finished with something immediately.
For this particular “all or nothing” thought that I am not doing well because I haven’t finished my weight loss journey, it doesn’t help that my workout apps tell me I still have 0.8 of a pound to go to reach my goal, that I’m not there yet, that I need to keep working. It doesn’t help when I’m using my parents’ scale that refuses to budge from 140.8 no matter how much I eat or don’t eat, work out or don’t work out.
Instead of letting myself spiral into the thought that I’m either perfect or horrible at losing weight, however, I’m trying to find the middle ground. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s about the process, that I enjoy the way I look and the new habits I’ve formed, and that I’m proud of myself for making it this far. Even if I’m not at exactly 140.0, there are still successes I can celebrate and ways to get myself excited about what’s to come instead of bemoaning that I’m not quite there yet.
Adapting to a new way of thinking, especially when I’ve been alternately criticizing myself for my unhealthy coping mechanism and trying to lose weight, has been difficult for me. I don’t know when to take it easy on myself and when to be stringent. And all the while, I’m very aware of what could happen if I swing too far in either direction.
I hope that I can hit 140.0 sometime soon, but I hope even more that I can use this time in my life as a way to work through some of my more prevalent intrusive thought patterns and work on my mental health in addition to my physical health.
Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.