Getting Sick With OCD

Getting Sick With OCD

My OCD first manifested as an intense fear of throwing up (emetophobia) after I vomited as a child--and ever since then, I became acutely aware of everything my body was doing. I was a pint-sized hypochondriac, thinking every cough or sneeze meant something terrible was going to happen to me.

I tried to control my health with compulsions, which I knew on some level wouldn’t work--it’s not like counting things a certain number of times would prevent me from catching a cold or stomach bug--but other things seemed so rational to me that I couldn’t stop doing them.

I refused to share food from other people’s plates or drink from their cups (which did, in fact, save me from a particularly nasty bout of norovirus nearly everyone in my dorm caught during a high school summer program). I would drink out of water fountains only if I was extremely thirsty, and I had a particular ritualistic way of doing it that didn’t exactly help me make friends. I tried to remember who around me was sick and how long the illness typically tended to last, so I could stay away from them until I was sure they were okay.

Thanks to this history, it’s always somewhat weird for me when I do wind up catching something. COVID was a bit of a special case since there was genuinely good reason to be scared of catching it, especially considering my history of a blood clot, but everyday things still bother me probably more than they should.

As I’m writing this, I’m (hopefully) on the tail end of having a bad cold with a near-constant cough, an ear infection that has almost completely eliminated my ability to hear out of my left ear, and pinkeye in both eyes.

As an adult, I know how to take care of myself--I set phone alarms for the twice-daily ear drops and four-times-daily eye drops, learned how to administer both kinds of drops to myself, and have been checking in regularly with my doctor to make sure I’m doing everything I can to facilitate recovery.

But on the other hand, it’s hard at times like these to not regress into the kinds of thought patterns I used to have as a kid. For example, I used to panic that whenever I coughed too hard or too many times, I would throw up. (Sometimes, if I thought I was going to throw up, I would try to get it over with and force myself to cough repeatedly even if I didn’t need to.) I still find myself hypervigilant of symptoms and feel the need to do something about them, even if there’s nothing I can do.

I was also afraid of coughing up mucus, as I believed that anything coming out of my mouth was similar to throwing up. That was always the worst part of having a cold for me, since it meant that I swung from attempting to relax to being on high alert in just a few seconds, and it would take me a long time to calm down again.

Even though these thoughts don’t take the form of compulsions like they did when I was a kid, it’s still strange to feel like I did back then, trying to control something I couldn’t. I can live a healthy lifestyle, but germs will still exist, and I am now old enough to know that trying to breathe through the gap between my front teeth won’t actually “filter them out.”

My therapist has told me that, at times like these, it’s important to have a balance between what my adult and child sides need. As an adult, I need to know I’m taking care of myself, doing work and chores, and working on other life goals as much as I can. But I also need to take a break if I need something calming or relaxing due to a spike in anxiety from more child-like thoughts.

The difference is that, now, I can reassure myself that things are going to be okay--but it’s still strange to re-experience the familiar thoughts of wondering if that’s actually true, panicking over things I really shouldn’t be panicking over, and overanalyzing everything about my body as it tries to recover from even a simple illness.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be especially “good” at being sick, considering my history, but I believe it’s important to note things like this as a way to demonstrate that mental illness is not something that can be outgrown or fixed in its entirety. There are always some parts that stick around, just like there are parts of everyone’s adulthood that reflect how they grew up. When I was a teenager, I thought I would be able to put OCD behind me for good, but it took me until I was in college and really struggling to realize that although people change over time, some things from the past will linger--and the way to move forward is acceptance.

 Michelle Cohen, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

Slowly But Surely

Slowly But Surely

Everyone I know who lives with a mental health condition has barometers they can use to judge how “okay” they are -- almost like a list of symptoms that you can use to demonstrate if things are going all right or if you need extra help.

Over the years, I’ve figured out a lot of these for myself. For example, if I’m feeling the impulse to overeat--especially sweet or salty foods--I know something’s not right. Warning signs of a hard time can also be something more easily spotted, like crying more, having less patience for everyday things, or not wanting to interact with friends or family.

It’s important to keep in mind that these warning signs aren’t the same for everyone, but for most people I know, it’s a good sign to check in when someone’s not “acting like themselves.”

Even though I have many more easily observable signs to tell that I’m not feeling quite right, the most obvious sign for me is that my creativity completely disappears. This doesn’t just mean that I’m not interested in writing--it means that I can’t and don’t have any interest in trying.

Normally, when I go for a walk, I wear headphones and listen to music that inspires me to write stories in my head. It makes the walks feel faster and also gives me great enjoyment--as does my usual nightly tradition of making up stories in my head before I go to sleep. But this is something that requires head space, which means I can’t be worrying about too many things at once or I literally won’t be able to come up with even the simplest ideas.

Ever since I got back from New Zealand, and especially since Nana got sick and died, I have had nearly no interest in writing at all--and not just my own. I’m usually an avid reader and I love everything from thousand-page books full of worldbuilding to silly short stories that people post online, but I have struggled to be interested in reading anything at all.

I knew something like this would happen as soon as Nana got sick. It’s a hallmark of every hard time in my life, and yet, it’s still frightening to live without something that I consider one of the main parts of my personality and one of my favorite things that my brain does. And, unlike some other signs of a bad time that I can work on, creativity can’t be forced. I just have to wait for it to come back, and hope it’s sooner rather than later.

In the hopes of encouraging my creativity to return, I signed up for the Tolkien Reverse Summer Bang writing challenge once again this year. I’ve done it every year since it started, but this year would be the first I wouldn’t be able to call Nana and share excerpts over the phone--something that made it harder for me to choose an art prompt to write a story about.

I wound up with my third choice prompt, and initially, I doubted that I could muster any creativity. I didn’t have any ideas, and the artist who created the piece I received was eager to talk about all of her many ideas. I started to wonder if this was a good idea at all, but since the story wouldn’t have to be completed for two months, I decided to stick with it and see if my head would cooperate.

For the first month, I wasn’t really able to do much at all aside from name the two characters in the picture--and that was with help from the artist. I still doubted myself but knew that a story of this length is usually not a challenge for me, and since it’s fanfiction, I have the added bonus of getting to geek out over Lord of the Rings while brainstorming and (eventually) writing.

I couldn’t force inspiration to come, but eventually, a little spark showed up. After five weeks of giving myself patience and time (something I’m not great at, but I certainly work hard to do), I finally decided that I needed to either start writing or back out of the challenge, and I wanted to at least give it a try.

I wanted to make things as easy as possible, so since the story is about orcs, I took inspiration from the line many people get silly with from The Two Towers of “looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!” It’s common to see jokes about orc restaurants and the fact that they clearly require reservations, as “one does not simply walk into Mordor.”

Starting with something more widely discussed like this is a way for me to proverbially dip my toe into the waters of creativity without stressing myself out too much. I usually find the idea of a story that could be about literally anything exciting, but when it’s hard to come up with anything at all, the openness feels more intimidating than inspiring.

I came up with four restaurant-based ideas and sent them to the artist, who quickly liked two of the ideas and figured out a way to put them together. We had a fun conversation bouncing ideas back and forth, and during that conversation, I felt myself finally getting excited at the prospect of writing a new story.

I’m still at the beginning of the writing process, so I can’t promise a happy ending right now--but it seems like things are heading in that direction. I’ve been more inspired to imagine stories on my walks and when I’m falling asleep, and every time a bit of inspiration comes back, I am so happy to know that I’m recovering even just a little bit. And Nana, who always supported my creativity, would be thrilled to know that it’s making a slow but steady return.

Michelle Cohen, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

Harnessing the Happiness

Harnessing the Happiness

It’s been five months now since I set off on my life-changing journey to New Zealand, and thanks to all the complications life has thrown at me ever since, it’s been hard to bring back the kind of euphoria I felt to finally be taking my dream trip and having the time of my life.

In a Hallmark movie, now would be the time when I would discover long-lost tickets to New Zealand and fly out to remember everything in the place where it all happened. But in the real world, this isn’t feasible--although I do have a pretty nice option in the meantime. 

A couple of weeks after Nana first got sick, The Conqueror Challenges released a new walking challenge in their global collection, giving an option to walk the length of New Zealand in a timeframe you get to pick. Along the way, you get virtual postcards, photos, and videos as if you are at each of these places, and thanks to Google Maps Street View, you can see exactly where you would be if you were really there.

As someone who struggles to connect with my usually overactive imagination when things go wrong in life, I jumped at the opportunity to have a semi-immersive way of pretending I was back in my happy place. I set myself an ambitious goal of walking the 1,974 miles in a year--which averages to a little over 5 miles a day--and hit the road.

My therapist understood right away that this was a way for me to control things in my life at a time when I felt like so many things--from little things to the bigger concepts of life and death--were out of my control.

She supported me starting this journey, and I’m proud to say that I’ve officially hit 25% of the way--and in only 20% of the time! If I keep this up, I’ll finish in 9 months instead of a year; if I’m more lenient and allow myself some days off, I should still be able to finish in the timeframe of my original goal.

Even though it’s not the same thing walking in Chicago as in New Zealand, there are many ways this has helped me.

When Nana was sick, and home seemed like a place where all I did was get bad news, I could leave and be outside and remember that there was still sunshine. There could still be nice days in the world even when it felt like everything was falling apart.

After she died, it helped me avoid the impulse to wallow in my apartment and read endless books about grief. It helped me to immerse myself in learning about the grieving process, Jewish customs, and how to journal through feelings, but my therapist emphasized how important it was to set a limit on how long I did these things so I wouldn’t get too upset. Slotting time for a walk after this helped me clear my head and return to my current life.

Walking is also recommended in some of these books as a way to stay physically active and create healthy habits. As someone who hit 10,000 steps maybe a third of the time before I started this challenge, walking the 11,000+ steps required to hit 5 miles every single day has been an engaging challenge that’s absolutely boosting my muscles and stamina.

Lately, as I’ve walked, I’ve been able to get absorbed in some of my favorite memories from New Zealand. As my steps pound on the sidewalk, I remember the pitter-patter of seal paws as I watched the babies in the New Zealand fur seal colony flop to their mothers for feeding. Anytime I see a shorter building, I remember Hobbiton and how amazing it felt to be on all the sets for the Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit movies. I even don’t mind the gnats that sometimes follow as I walk, since they’re a far cry from the New Zealand sand flies that gave me a horrible allergic reaction.

Just imagining myself walking in New Zealand makes my days feel better and helps me get closer to that ridiculously high level of happiness I felt there that I wonder if I’ll be able to feel again… on this continent, at least.

It may not be my usual coping mechanism of choice, but so far, this first quarter of the virtual Te Araroa trail has helped me realize that, even though grief and anxiety may sometimes make me feel like there isn’t any happiness to go around, it’s still there. It may be buried deep somewhere inside, but it didn’t go away--all it takes is some seeking, even if that means walking a lot every day to find it.

Michelle Cohen, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

Navigating Mental Health as an Asian International Student: Insights from OUR Personal Experiences

Navigating Mental Health as an Asian International Student: Insights from OUR Personal Experiences

Mental health is a vital aspect of overall well-being that affects individuals from different cultures and nations. As an Asian international student, I came to the United States in order to embark on a journey to pursue my education in a foreign country. Alongside the excitement and opportunities, I soon realized that navigating mental health in this new cultural environment posed unique challenges. In this blog post, I will share my personal experiences and insights after interviewing three other Asian International students, trying to explore the cultural perspectives on mental health and help-seeking behaviors among Asian international students like us.

Data from the World Health Organization (WHO) show that mental health disorders impact millions of people worldwide. Asian populations are no exception to this global concern. Asian international students make up a significant portion of the student population in various Western countries. Being an Asian international student means dealing with a multitude of stressors, including adapting to a different cultural context, academic pressures, language barriers, and social isolation. However, the way we perceive mental health and seeking help is heavily influenced by our cultural backgrounds. One of the primary cultural barriers we face is the stigma associated with mental health. Growing up, I witnessed mental health being brushed under the rug, considered a shameful topic in my community. Seeking professional help was often viewed as a sign of weakness or an excuse to avoid responsibilities. This stigmatization has deeply rooted itself in our cultural beliefs, creating barriers to open discussions and seeking the support we need.

Moreover, stigma, attitudes toward mental health, and familial and social expectations also play a significant role in our help-seeking behaviors. Research from the APA, provided by Wang, Wang, Chuang, and Heppner in 2017, revealed that many Asian international students underutilize mental health services due to cultural barriers, concerns about confidentiality, and stigma surrounding mental health.

To gain a deeper understanding of these cultural perspectives, I conducted interviews with Asian international students like me. Through these three interviews, the diverse experiences, challenges, and help-seeking behaviors were brought to light, allowing for a more comprehensive understanding of our needs.

Let me share some of the personal experiences shared by interviewees, giving you a glimpse into the varied cultural perspectives on mental health you might have never known before:

Interviewee 1 (J) - Chinese International Undergraduate Student majoring in Economics:

J initially held stigmatizing views toward mental health, considering it as an excuse to avoid schoolwork. However, through his study in sociology, he began to question this stigma. Despite his growing awareness, his parents still hold confusion and skepticism about mental health issues, which is a common sentiment in Chinese culture. The perception of mental health as a weakness creates additional barriers to open discussions and seeking help.

Interviewee 2 (S) - Singaporean International Graduate Student majoring in Social Work:

S believes that mental health is deeply interconnected with other aspects of health, emphasizing a holistic perspective. He mentioned that mental health is increasingly discussed in Singaporean society, but there is limited understanding of the nuances and mental health policy among politicians and society at large. While mental health is increasingly discussed, seeking therapy and affordable mental health support remains stigmatized, hindering accessibility for those who need it.

Interviewee 3 (A) - Vietnamese International Undergraduate Student majoring in Psychology:

A highlighted the prevalence of mental health concerns in Vietnam and the limited understanding and trust in mental health services among her family. In Vietnamese society, there is openness to discussing mental health, but proactive engagement and practical initiatives are lacking. The cultural values of competitiveness and hard work contribute to the development of mental health challenges.

These three interviews provide valuable insights into the influence of cultural, educational, and societal factors on mental health opinions and beliefs. Cultural values, beliefs, and stigma significantly shape individuals' perceptions of mental health and help-seeking behaviors. Educational experiences play a role in reshaping understanding, and societal attitudes and discourse impact the acceptance and awareness of mental health.

As an Asian international student, I also have personally experienced the challenges associated with mental health, which was mentioned in my last blog post, The Hope. The stigma, cultural expectations, and limited awareness of mental health resources create barriers to seeking help. However, through research and personal insights, we can begin to unravel these challenges and work towards a more supportive and inclusive environment for Asian international students.

My hope is that the Office of International Affairs, as well as individuals interacting with international classmates, co-workers, and friends, will actively work towards creating an inclusive and supportive environment. By embracing cultural diversity, providing necessary support, and fostering meaningful connections, we can ensure that someone who studies, works, and lives abroad can feel valued, empowered, and well-integrated. Together, let us build a community where everyone can thrive and contribute their unique talents and perspectives.

Tips for Supporting International Students:

• Provide patience, understanding, and support.

• Avoid stereotypes and generalizations. No judgment!

• Encourage connections and friendships.

• Create a safe space for open discussions.

• Be open-minded and respectful.

QY is a second-year graduate student at the University of Chicago, Crown Family School of Social Work, Policy, and Practice.   Qy just completed her first year internship with No Shame On U.

Wang, L., Wang, K. T., Heppner, P. P., & Chuang, C.-C. (2017). Cross-national cultural competency among Taiwanese international students. Journal of Diversity in Higher Education, 10(3), 271–287. https://doi.org/10.1037/dhe0000020

Something New

Something New

People who know me for even a short while know I’m not the best at trying new things - and this doesn’t just mean new foods.

Change has always been hard for me, even if it’s the kind of change I want or actively seek. It’s like when I moved to Chicago - I wanted to move for a long time, I researched the heck out of everything, but I was still highly anxious when the time came to actually move to a new state and start a new job.

Even smaller changes can be tough for me. I moved a block and a half recently, and even though I was counting down the days until I’d be living in a much nicer place, I was still anxious about the details until I was completely settled in.

I’m also the same way in therapy. My therapist likes introducing new techniques to me, but if I’m having a hard time, it’s difficult to work on something new instead of doing something familiar - even if it doesn’t work as well.

One of the challenges I’ve set for myself during this grieving process is to explore different kinds of therapy. In addition to talking with my therapist regularly, I have also been looking through a variety of books to get advice about how to deal with some of the challenges I’m facing. And some of the things are, well, let’s just say they’re a bit out of my wheelhouse.

I recently started a writing course, my first in several years, and I was expecting it to be like writing down answers to the questions my therapist asks me. This is a grief writing course, so I knew I would be writing about Nana and my thoughts about losing her, but I went in with some assumptions that I didn’t realize would make it difficult to do the writing as assigned.

I assumed that I would be writing about what happened in the real world and the feelings I’m experiencing, rather than trying to tap into my rather depleted imagination that I’m mostly using for the nastier kinds of “what ifs” at this point. I didn’t think I’d be responding to other people’s stories about grief and trying to work myself into their metaphors. And most of all, I didn’t think I’d be spreading out the main section of the New York Times on the floor one evening to help me write a poem.

I’ve never liked poetry much, so I wasn’t really inclined to participate - but just like when life throws other things at me that make me feel uncomfortable, I try to still engage. I spread out the pages and followed the instructions to read words and phrases at random until I found something that stuck out to me, and then highlight those words and use them for the basis of a poem.

Even though this was a new kind of therapeutic work, I still found it helpful once I pushed through the uncomfortableness. I looked through environmentally based stories about rhinos getting their horns filed and world news stories about families urging their young ones to not become martyrs. And somehow, these stories and others started to turn into a poem, because Nana used to love the New York Times. My family used the fact that she could read and understand the stories at age 94 as a barometer of her health, and the fact that I was now reading it and she wasn’t even alive felt very poignant.

I’m not sure if I’d want to incorporate poetry into my regular therapeutic practice, but grieving for Nana has taught me that, when some situations feel far too huge to handle, it might mean that a new technique is necessary - even though I still struggle with trying new things. If I don’t have the resources to tackle feelings that feel too big, there might be something else out there that can teach me how to process things in a healthier way.

POEM:

I used the New York Times, because, like me, it’s something

you love(d)

when you were alive and well

you went “peacefully” but

it’s a mess and

we are absolutely going to suffer from this

I wish I could see your ghost

so I would know you’re never really dead

but even with seeing so little, I know too much

to believe I could have any control

of the pacing and direction of this grief

and my life without you

with challenges, a longer journey, shying, shrinking

I hope you are somewhere you can be at peace

and able to read the New York Times

but at the same time

I need you alive, not dead

 Michelle Cohen, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.