Conflicting Desires
I was very surprised at my reaction to receiving my itinerary for my upcoming dream trip to New Zealand: instead of purely excited, I was a strange mix of excited and very nervous.
All of a sudden, I was worrying about things I hadn’t even considered before: I would be 18 time zones away from everyone I know; I would throw my routine completely out the window; I would try a lot of new things; I wouldn’t be 100% sure what would be safe for me to eat.
In my frenzy to book the trip ten months ago, I ignored all of this as soon as I saw the places I’d be able to visit. I was beyond thrilled about going to all the sites from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and I completely ignored the practical parts like the sixteen-plus hour flight, exploring a new country by myself before the tour begins, and the complications of figuring out an international trip in the first place.
I told my therapist that I was surprised I wasn’t feeling pure excitement about seeing the places I’d dreamed about. She, on the other hand, wasn’t surprised.
She told me that I’m very focused on my routine and the nitty-gritty of how things work, and she said it’s not surprising that I would get overwhelmed by planning so many details with so many things unsure or left to chance. She told me I could use coping mechanisms like I do for other times when I get overwhelmed, like dividing things into tiny tasks and feeling calmer as I accomplish them one by one.
My therapist helped me feel better about the tasks I had yet to do and helped me organize them in my head - and I was so glad she didn’t tell me to just stop thinking obsessively about the trip.
Anytime I’ve ever been told “stop obsessing,” it’s like telling someone to not push a big red button that says PUSH ME. It just makes me do it more, in other words - so what I’ve learned over the years is that I have to redirect the obsessive thoughts instead of stopping them, and wait for them to stop on their own.
Ironically, what helped me get out of this instance of a negative obsessive mindset was getting into a positive one.
I found an excursion to go to the Ford of Bruinen and Lothlorien - the two places that meant the most to me when I watched the movies for the first time and still hold a special place in my heart twenty years later.
I first watched the scene at the Ford of Bruinen when Dad was trying to convince me that Lord of the Rings - and by extension, other works of fantasy and science fiction - were not just for boys.
“Look, here’s a girl elf being amazing,” he said, and my entire love of fantasy bloomed in that one moment. It might sound cliche, but it’s true! I’ve always wanted to wear my elf dress in the place where that happened, and as soon as I found out I’d be going there, I felt that same childlike sense of wonder from when I first watched the movies.
And then there’s Lothlorien, which I used to dream of visiting when my head was in turmoil since it was such a peaceful place where everything was always safe. I used to have dreams where I wandered there for hours on end, only to be upset when I woke up. And I get to go there in real life!
Pivoting from negative obsessive thought patterns to positive ones is not always doable, but I always appreciate when it is. It proves to me that my brain isn’t incompatible with positivity - I just have to get there in a different way sometimes, and that’s completely okay.
Michelle Cohen, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.