The Downside of Sharing
One of my favorite parts of being more open about my mental health journey is the conversations it sparks - but sometimes, they can go too far.
For the most part, when people ask questions about my OCD, they’re polite and respectful. I can tell that the questions come from a place of wanting genuine understanding, and so I’m happy to answer them.
The problem is when people see how I am adapting to a particular situation and decide that I’m doing it wrong - and that they have a solution I need to implement.
This didn’t happen often before I started sharing my story openly. The few people I shared with were closer to me and I decided to tell them only after I trusted them. But now that I’m sharing with more people, I don’t get to control who has this information, and I find myself in situations like one from last week:
I was invited to an event that I didn’t feel comfortable going to. When I expressed this and told the person that I would normally go but I feel like it’s too big of a risk right now, this was not an acceptable answer to them, so they kept probing. I had to spend a lot of time explaining every little detail about how my OCD works in order to get them to accept that I would not be attending the event.
Even though I’ve been writing this blog for over 4 years, I still felt overwhelmed when asked to justify why my OCD was preventing me from going to this particular event. When I was bombarded by question after question - most of them comparing this event to other things I have gone to in the past in different circumstances - I felt like I was sinking in quicksand. I couldn’t come up with a response that made anyone happy, and I certainly wasn’t expressing myself clearly or well.
I tried to avoid this. I even wrote out reasons why I couldn’t go, since I tend to be better with writing than speaking, and sent it in an email. But I couldn’t avoid the combination of curiosity about why my brain works this way and pressure to wear me down. I’m pretty sure people were hoping that I would get tired enough of answering questions, cave, and go to the event.
I’ve encountered this before - people trying to stress me out enough that I will appease just to get out of the pressure of the current situation - but I absolutely despise it. I can’t understand why people think it’s okay to take advantage of knowing something about someone (like that they get anxious when confronted with this sort of thing) and use it to get what they want. It’s manipulative and frankly mean, and when I am pressured like this, I am often reduced to tears before either giving in or standing strong.
In this particular situation, I stayed strong. But I have absolutely been manipulated in the past when people have information about me and use it in unsavory ways - like my first boyfriend, who I confided that I was self-conscious about being “normal,” and he used this information to coerce and manipulate me into taking steps forward in the relationship that I did not want.
Thankfully, this example with the event is far less insidious, but there’s still that same mentality of not accepting a “no” and trying to turn it into a “yes” by whatever means necessary. There’s still the same knowledge that I would rather give in than engage in a conflict, and that I tend to try to protect myself from situations that make me anxious.
Not to mention, asking why my OCD manifests in a certain way is not only a question I can’t answer, but also a question that makes me feel inadequate, as if I’m doing something wrong by not having OCD in the way someone else expects me to. It makes me feel like some kind of zoo exhibit or freakshow, like I’m a different species that’s extremely hard to comprehend. And this feeling only feeds into a recurring negative thought that no matter how hard I work, I can never be a “normal” person.
I choose what to share carefully, and in different settings I may be comfortable with more or less. I’m going to tell a close friend more than a coworker or casual acquaintance. That is my right and no one is entitled to information that I do not want to share. I am also not bound by anyone’s ideas of if I am not trying hard enough or not doing the things they want me to do. Even if I have chosen to share some information, my life and my choices still belong to me.
Long story short, sharing one thing does not make me have to share everything - and in all situations, the word “no” needs to be respected.
Michelle Cohen, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.