Thirty
This week, I’m celebrating my 30th birthday - something that seemed unattainable or impossible at certain times in my life, but I’m very glad to report that I’m still here, still fighting, and excited to see what the future will bring.
I’ve been in a reflective mood this week anticipating such a big birthday, and I keep returning to this: One thing I’ve learned throughout my life is that my friends and I who live with mental health conditions struggle with self-love. We may take care of ourselves, but in the face of a world still plagued by stigma, it can be hard to actually love what may not be as socially acceptable about us.
I’m starting my 30th year off right in the self-love department as it’s almost time for my dream trip to New Zealand, which will celebrate my positive obsession with Lord of the Rings.
But I also wanted to take some time to really think about acknowledging the things that aren’t as easy to appreciate - the things that have limited me in the past that I have been working on and will continue to work on throughout my life.
With that in mind, here’s a list of 30 things I appreciate about my OCD journey in anticipation of my birthday. It may not be perfect, but these milestones have meant so much to me as I’ve worked hard to live a good life.
I’m thankful for my ability to turn my emotions and experiences into stories I genuinely love writing.
I’m thankful for the “what if”s that inspire fantasy and science fiction stories instead of all the things that could go wrong in the real world.
I’m thankful that I can cherish my small but close-knit group of friends instead of always wanting more.
I’m thankful for the ability to support my friends in mental health crises because I have needed such support myself - and the way this helps us form deeper bonds.
I’m thankful for macaroni and cheese, orange juice, and my favorite food, baked ziti - just a few of the foods I eat now that I never would have touched as a child.
I’m thankful for the people who are kind to me about my food aversions and other OCD symptoms I still show, and my thicker skin with people who aren’t as kind.
I’m thankful that I can do “life skills” like holding down a steady job, paying rent, and organizing a social life - which mean so much more when I never knew if I was capable of achieving them.
I’m thankful for the strength to advocate for myself and what I need, and to help others do the same.
I’m thankful for the fact that my limited experiences during childhood means that there are so many new and wonderful things to discover as an adult - and I no longer hold myself to any timetable of doing these things.
I’m thankful for my ability to stop the “runaway train” thoughts I had as a kid and process things in the way I need, at my own pace.
I’m thankful for how satisfying it feels to accomplish something I’m afraid of, whether it’s a one-time occurrence or a new part of my life.
I’m thankful that I can put my organizational skills to work to make stressful life events that I anticipate as smooth as possible.
I’m thankful that I’ve been cultivating independence ever since I moved so far away for college, and continue to rely on myself for a variety of new moves and fresh starts.
I’m thankful that I’ve learned how to seek resources for things I need to learn, and the fact that I’m always working to make things better for myself even in the smallest ways.
I’m thankful that I can take personality traits that come from OCD, including perfectionism, and use them to make my daily life easier instead of harder.
I’m thankful for the medication that helps me survive and thrive - and that I am no longer ashamed of needing.
I’m thankful that I can live a happy life after medical trauma due to putting in an immense amount of work that I never could have imagined actually working.
I’m thankful that my mental health is now strong enough that I can talk about these and other experiences without flashbacks, panic attacks, or other physical symptoms that stopped me from enjoying life.
I’m thankful that I was able to graduate college on time after two separate crises - one physical, one mental - that I wasn’t sure I would be able to conquer.
I’m thankful that I now see myself as a fighter, as someone strong instead of weak for having gone through experiences like this.
I’m thankful for the fact that I can hug dogs on the street after so many years of being afraid of dogs.
I’m thankful that, even though I was afraid, I still took the leap of letting a dog into my life, loved him for all the years he was here, and sought counseling when he passed away.
I’m thankful for the fact that I continue to seek help in therapy even after wanting to be “done” when I was a teenager - and recognize that learning about one’s own mind is a lifelong journey.
I’m thankful for my ability to set new goals for myself and believe that I can do them, no matter how difficult I find them.
I’m thankful for days without panic attacks, obsessive worries about throwing up, and all sorts of other negative thoughts I’ve learned to conquer.
I’m thankful I can enjoy endless happiness from my positive obsessions and cultivate this joy through fandom conventions, fan fiction, and more.
I’m thankful for the Lord of the Rings trilogy, which brings me so much pleasure during good times and inspires me to keep pushing during hard times.
I’m thankful that I am willing to admit when I did not succeed at something or need more help, even if it’s something I had been looking forward to for a very long time or trying extremely hard to do.
I’m thankful for the courage to try again with things I’ve failed before, including the fact that I’m willing to go to New Zealand by myself after some unpleasant international trips in the past.
Most of all, I’m thankful for and proud of the fact that I am now confident enough in who I am to share these facts with others. I love the thought that I’m helping people feel more comfortable with themselves and working towards destigmatizing mental illness.
Michelle Cohen, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.