Happiness Overload
When I was little, I had a POO-CHI robot dog that, whenever I played too much with it, would enter a “happiness overload” mode where it would sing and make a variety of noises as it scooted around my kitchen.
When I met the actors for the four hobbits at Fan Expo Chicago recently, I had the same reaction.
The Lord of the Rings movies have been my longest-lasting positive obsession and the first thing I clung to when my psychiatrist told me, “You’re always going to be obsessing about something. Why not pick something you enjoy?”
The idea was revolutionary to me. Not only that I could pick what I thought about, but also, I could have obsessive thoughts that weren’t bad or something to try to eliminate? I felt like I spent most of my life trying to stop myself from obsessing and receiving this permission to work with what was already going on in my head instead of trying and constantly failing to stop it was life-changing.
Overnight, I allowed myself to sink into the Lord of the Rings movies like nothing before. I gave myself permission to obsess, and even though it was a rocky road, the movies were always there for me and I always felt a sense of safety when I put in another DVD.
When I had my first opportunity to meet an actor from the movies in 2018, I felt a sense of delight that led to me literally sobbing with happiness as I stood in line. I felt like I was meeting a huge part of my childhood and told him as much - and he was incredibly kind and told me all sorts of fun stories about filming.
Four years later, I found myself in line to meet not one, but all four of the actors who played the hobbits - the main characters - in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I met Sean Astin at a No Shame On U event in 2019 and was so excited I counted down the days for weeks, but meeting him as well as Elijah Wood, Dominic Monaghan, and Billy Boyd seemed to be too wonderful at once.
I saved money so I could do the backstage pass, which included front-row seating at their panel, autographs from all four of them, and a photo with all four of them. I was so excited that I counted down the days for months on end, and could hardly sleep or get anything else done when it was time to head to the convention.
Somehow, my favorite moment was not any of the ones I’d paid for or expected. It ended up being so much more.
You see, a week before the convention, the organizers offered an opportunity to create and submit a 30-second video telling the hobbits what they and the Lord of the Rings movies mean to you. I spent a while crafting mine, where I shared how LotR and the journey of the hobbits helped me through my initial diagnosis with OCD and have kept me afloat ever since.
I was utterly unprepared to see my face fill the screen that night. My video was the only one chosen from Chicago, shown in segments in its entirety, and my “you didn't just carry the ring to Mordor, you carried me” was the last thing the hobbits saw and heard before they came on stage.
In that moment, as people around me nudged me and messages poured into my phone from people who I didn’t even know were in the room, I felt so overwhelmed that my feelings couldn’t even keep up. I wasn’t happy or thrilled or ecstatic, I was beyond being able to put words on the sense of pride that these movies got me to the point where I am now and I was able to share my story and help others.
I knew I was helping others because people told me so - people with anxiety who came up to me afterward and told me that they were inspired by my words. It was the cherry on top of a perfect experience that ended with photos, autographs, and memories I will cherish for the rest of my life.
That night, I felt “happiness overload” like never before. My positive obsessions have always made me happier than anything else can, but this was a whole new level I had never experienced before and don’t know if I can until I go on my planned New Zealand trip next year. It’s impossible to explain, but it felt so wonderful to know that even though my OCD has caused me immense pain throughout my life, it has also enabled me to feel these moments of pure, unadulterated joy.
Ellie, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.