Peanut Butter’s Not That Complicated
Or is it? I found myself thinking more about peanut butter than I ever had before when the recent JIF recall made me look beyond my usual brand.
As my OCD is very rules-based, the food I eat needs to follow a variety of rules. Even if a food is something I consider safe - something that won’t trigger any thoughts that I might get sick - there are still rules about eating it, primarily that it needs to be familiar.
This means I have trouble going to a new restaurant even if I plan to order the same dishes I always do. And with store-bought foods like peanut butter, I always buy the same brand regardless of price, and if one store is sold out, I’d rather go to another store than buy from a different brand.
When the recall happened, I checked my peanut butter jar and realized that mine was among the recalled serial numbers. Even though I’d eaten from the jar that same week without getting sick, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do so again now that I knew about the recall. I decided to go to Mariano’s, read through the serial numbers of all the JIF jars, and find one that hadn’t been recalled.
To my surprise, all of the JIF jars were missing. Not just the creamy (the only texture of peanut butter I find remotely appealing), but everything was gone. There was an empty, gaping spot in the shelves surrounded by jars of peanut butter from every other brand, explained by a piece of paper pinned to the shelf.
My brain decided that was the perfect time to get anxious. In the middle of the peanut butter aisle in Mariano’s, not when I’m alone or in a good place to process. In the middle of the aisle, where other people were able to shop normally and that started a whole wave of my usual “you’re not normal” negative thoughts that keep coming back no matter how hard I fight them.
The coping mechanisms I thought of to ensure the peanut butter was safe wouldn’t work. I couldn’t compare the ingredients from JIF to other brands, since none of the JIF jars were there. I couldn’t go by what my family members use, since they had uncontaminated JIF jars. I couldn’t think of anything else in the moment, and reading labels while trying to distinguish the brands just started to stress me out.
And to add insult to injury, I was thinking a lot about my late dog, who always “tested” any peanut butter I was going to eat, and I started missing him as I grabbed a Kroger brand jar at random and headed for the checkout.
The unopened jar of Kroger peanut butter sat in my apartment for over a week before I took it out and decided to give it a chance. I opened the jar, smelled it, and noticed it looked just like the peanut butter I was used to. Still, though, I decided to wait to eat it.
I knew how stupid it was to be scared of peanut butter. But at the same time, I couldn’t just turn off my fear at will. In the end, it took a surprise visit from my friend Olive for me to get brave enough to actually try some of the peanut butter - with company.
I asked Olive to try it with me so that I wouldn’t chicken out again or overthink things, which was an inevitability if I was left to my own devices. When we tried it together, I felt supported and cared for, especially since she didn’t make me feel bad for asking her such a strange request.
“Would you eat peanut butter with me?” is not a typical question, but the fact that Olive was willing to help me meant so much. Even such a small gesture reminded me that I’m not alone, and even if my friends don’t have the same mental health condition(s) as me, they have empathy and are willing to do things like this even if they don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to try a new brand of peanut butter.
The Kroger brand, as we found out, is slightly runnier than the JIF, but has the same taste. I’m probably going to end up buying JIF for my next jar. But for now, I’m proud to even take this very small step to opening my culinary world.
Ellie, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.