The Right Amount of Panic
I was walking yet another loop around a group of friends at a local park when someone admitted his parents had tested positive.
I had no idea if he lived with his parents (turns out he didn’t), or even if he’d seen them in a while. But immediately, I felt panic coming on as my head rolled through scenarios like quarantining again, testing positive myself, infecting friends, or having to go to the hospital. I was afraid without any information at all, and my immediate response was to walk a little faster, getting myself away from him as quickly as possible.
I’ve faced internal reactions like this the more I’ve gone out. I never imagined, when I was so scared to take a short trip to Trader Joe’s with my dad, that I would feel comfortable shopping nearly every day, taking long walks past parks that have way too many people, and attending small gatherings.
It definitely helps that I always wear a mask and adhere to the principles of social distancing, but still, not everything works out perfectly. There are people who don’t wear masks and people who gather in groups, people who cough around me and people who crowd too close in store lines and on the sidewalk.
For me, it can be hard to figure out the right amount to panic. Sometimes, like when I heard a loud, throaty cough right behind me as I went to take out the garbage, I wanted to default to my childhood response of “scream and run,” a camp game I adapted for other purposes. Other times, I wonder if I’m being cautious enough, washing my hands enough, using enough hand sanitizer, cleaning my apartment enough, and doing a variety of other things I know are useful.
In situations like this pandemic, I’m afraid of swinging too far in one direction or the other. I know I have the tendency to set rigid rules for myself and follow them strictly, but a situation like this makes my method impractical. How am I supposed to know, after all, whether the person coughing behind me had some food stuck in his throat or was displaying COVID symptoms? How can I tell if the people not wearing masks already have antibodies, like one person I know, or if they don’t?
I’m trying to err on the side of less stress by taking on more and more tasks outside of my apartment. This is helpful to me thanks to the principles of exposure therapy - the more I do a certain thing that scares me, the less it will scare me, and I have definitely seen that in effect in the last week as I’ve gone farther and farther from home.
Unlike with conventional obsessive patterns, it’s not easy to look at a behavior and say that it’s “wrong” or purely fueled by problematic thoughts. If I wash my hands a dozen times in a day, it might not make sense during regular times, but it makes a lot more sense if I leave my apartment several times and touch things when I go out, like if I go grocery shopping or explore a local gaming store.
I’m using the same principles for social interaction - saying no to things that outright scare me, like very large gatherings, and during small gatherings, I offset anxiety by pacing (so I’m not too close to one person for too long), meeting outside, and wearing thicker masks with more layers. Certain things will still scare me, but by working towards a livable amount of panic for daily activities, I can try to put my life back together after so many months at home.
Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.