Switching From Self-Criticizing to Self-Care
Every year, at the High Holidays, I feel the most Jewish guilt I feel all year.
I feel guilty for not looking forward to the holidays so many people cherish. I feel guilty for not going to services more during the year. I especially feel guilty for the fact that I can’t fast on Yom Kippur for medical reasons, although in recent years, I’ve started volunteering during the day, doing more physical tasks that people who are fasting might be unable to do.
But this year, that idea has to be thrown out the window, along with any other ideas of a traditional High Holiday service. I was starting to feel overwhelmed at the thought of spending Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur alone because it would be even more alone than in the past - instead of going to synagogue, I’ll be in my apartment, attending services on Zoom.
As I spent more time puzzling over what to do and untangling my feelings, I learned about a local (virtual) session for young people living alone about how to deal with the changes of this year. I signed up and attended the session earlier this week.
At the session, I was expecting to hear a lot about what to do, but I wasn’t expecting to have so much space for everyone to share what they were feeling. On a virtual whiteboard, all of us shared our favorite parts of past High Holidays, things we’re afraid we’ll miss, questions about religious or other matters related to the days, and more.
It was such a relief to see I wasn’t the only one feeling confused about what to do in terms of services, food, and listening to the shofar. Other people were concerned about where they were going to find community and how to make online services feel like in-person ones. The major question that kept coming up was how to keep the meaning of the holidays intact when so much else has changed and is still changing by the day.
As someone who struggles greatly with change, and who has also spent a lot of my life feeling like I’m the only one who has these sorts of difficulties, I was encouraged by the fact that many people were asking questions and seemed so relieved to get advice. People were sharing far more than I expected, and in the breakout rooms (a feature of Zoom I’ve never explored before), I enjoyed having one-on-one conversations with strangers who had similar concerns.
One of the takeaways that stuck out to me was self-care. As the High Holidays are a time when I feel a lot of guilt and confusion, I’m not used to being kind to myself then. And lately, I’ve been having a hard time being kind to myself at all. Especially in the wake of falling for a puppy scam, I’ve been feeling unprepared and immature, ill-equipped for the world at hand, and have been calling myself a variety of cruel names.
But this panel inspired me to try to break out of the negative thought patterns I find it so easy to get stuck in. Even at a time of year I’ve come to associate with ruminating over everything I’ve done wrong - a process I’ve done every year since I first heard of apologizing to friends and family for wronging them over the last year in order to get into the Book of Life - I can try to be kind to myself. And I’ve already started.
Today is two weeks since I sent payments for a puppy I never received, and in those two weeks, I’ve cried a lot and berated myself even more, but I also went through old collectibles and games and sold enough on eBay to make up the difference. I know it’s not the same, but it’s a way for me to take charge over a situation I had very little control over and reduce my anxiety significantly.
I’ve been doing things like that as much as I can during the pandemic, and the High Holidays are no exception. I know there are some things I can’t change - I’m going to be alone in my apartment no matter what I do - but I can take advice from the session and remember that there are other people out there in Chicago and beyond trying to be kind to themselves this holiday season.
I’m going to set up a special space in my apartment for the High Holidays, and even if my preparations are simple, I can move my computer away from my desk and feel like I’m in a different place. I’m going to try to challenge my fears about not having a “normal” High Holiday experience and not being a “good Jew” by not going to in-person services or fasting on Yom Kippur.
During the pandemic, I’ve thought a lot about pikuach nefesh (saving a life), one of the most important good deeds a person can do. Ever since the panel, I’ve seen a new application for this mitzvah - by being kind to oneself, it’s easier to be kind to others and available for them, and you never know who truly needs that kindness.
Wishing all my readers a happy and healthy new year and opportunities to heal, learn, and grow at this tough time!Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.
Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.