Confusing Choices
Like many people, I put off my eye doctor and dentist visits during the pandemic. But this week, I decided to go back to this part of my life in one fell swoop, scheduling appointments for back-to-back days and jumping in headfirst.
It was a very strange feeling, even though both offices did everything they could to ensure patient comfort. The receptionist at the eye doctor’s office met me at the door, told me to switch the mask I was already wearing to a disposable one she gave me, asked me several questions about my health, and showed me where to stand and sit in order to maintain social distancing.
When I went into the office to meet with the eye doctor, he told me that he was vaccinated and saw in my chart that I was as well, so I could decide if we would both wear masks or not. I decided to still wear a mask, even though I knew that I was safe. Even though his admission that he had an asymptomatic case of COVID in the fall spooked me a little, I completed the appointment and the next day, I did the same thing at the dentist.
At both of these offices, there were very specific rules to follow. They had regulations for me to guide my actions by, which I found refreshing during a time when everything around me is starting to open up and I’m feeling less sure about which choices are the right ones.
When the pandemic first started, I decided - along with my family - that I was going to follow exactly what the CDC said. I wore a mask everywhere, didn’t leave my family’s house for months, and stayed up-to-date about every new regulation. Without making my own decisions, I simply went along with every new rule, and everything seemed black-and-white.
Now, however, I find it harder to manage as more and more shades of gray appear. When the rules and regulations that have decreed how I conducted most of my life for the last year and a half disappeared, it felt strange and stressful to contemplate doing things again that I avoided for so long.
This is how re-entry anxiety is striking me: not necessarily anxiety about seeing people or going into stores or doctor’s offices, both of which I’ve done, but instead, anxiety about change in general as well as making my own choices about things that I’ve let other people decide for me for so long.
I have a new cosplay for DragonCon, for example. But the last year it happened, there were over 80,000 people. I know the convention will have rules about how attendees need to behave, but will those rules be enforceable or followable with such a big crowd? And what degrees of rule breaking will I be comfortable with?
Everything from a doctor’s office visit to contemplating returning to a humongous convention feels strange. I am now making decisions that I haven’t made in so long, and even though I’ve now weaned off my mask outdoors and know that my vaccination status keeps me safe, I can’t help but feel weird about going back to the things I did before.
Some people I know have been comfortable with going back to everything like before, right as soon as the places where they lived declared that they were open. But when Chicago hit stage 5 for me, I had a lot more questions than answers: Am I comfortable eating in a restaurant? Am I comfortable with going to a beach party to say goodbye to a friend who’s moving away? Am I okay not wearing a mask when walking outdoors, even if I put one to go into stores or doctor’s offices?
I know that, as a kid, if I’d been told that masks prevent germs, my parents would have had a hell of a fight trying to get me to take the mask off for any reason. Even now, I’m wondering if I should consider wearing it in the winter when colds and flu are rampant, even if only when I go downtown. But until I have these decisions figured out, it’s a strange road where anxiety can come from the smallest and strangest things.
For everyone else dealing with these feelings upon Chicago’s re-opening, here’s what has worked for me: I weigh the pros and cons of whatever I’m considering doing, including both physical safety and mental health; I take new steps in the company of friends so I feel supported wherever I go; and I challenge myself to take new little steps wherever possible to help me adjust to the “normal” world before resuming in-person work in the fall.
In the end, things will work out - and I wish you luck in making your choices on the road back to normalcy!
Ellie, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.