Perfect
I’ve always been a perfectionist. So, when it was time for me to host my first Dungeons & Dragons session in person in a year and a half, I wanted to make sure everything would be perfect.
I decided right away that I was going to prepare a very clean home with a variety of snacks, set aside a place for my friends to put their bags and D&D implements, have freshly sharpened pencils nearby as well as menus from our favorite take-out places and provide plenty of hand sanitizer. Most importantly, I wanted to cosplay.
I hadn’t worn one of my costumes in forever, and my mind immediately went to a plan I had last February, back when I hadn’t even heard that COVID existed. I wanted to make a very special cosplay of a particularly beloved character of mine (she has medical-based PTSD and weird blood too!), even though the costume was going to be extremely intricate and complicated.
In order to complete the cosplay in time for meeting with my friends, I reached out to a friend from improv who has a 3D printer. They printed the parts of the costume, I got a simple dress from Amazon and a vampire cape from Chicago Costume - and then I got to work.
Even though I thought I had everything well-planned, I soon realized that every single element of this costume was going to be incredibly complicated. I had trouble gluing the parts together, and when I left them to dry overnight, I found trails of glue across my floor in the morning. The gold paint smeared all over my hands and floors and I spilled nearly an entire bottle of white paint on my red cape that took some creative problem-solving to get out (after a lot of panicking, naturally).
In the midst of all of this, I felt stressed, unsure that I’d be able to pull off the costume in time even though I’d promised my friends that we could dress up together, and dismayed that my other plans were falling through as I didn’t have the time or headspace for anything else.
After a lot of time pacing around the apartment while hugging my new Gandalf Build-a-Bear plushie (who speaks with Ian McKellen’s voice - very motivational!), while looking down at my sticky floor, I realized that I’d overlooked the most important thing of all: having fun.
I got sucked into a typical pattern of mine - when I come up with a goal and set my mind to it, I become determined to do it perfectly. There is no room for error whatsoever - which means that all of my recent goals, whether that means walking 10,000 steps a day, using a habit tracker to ensure perfect compliance on hard-to-follow habits, or making a cosplay resemble a video game character with photographic accuracy, have been rather obsessive.
I sat down in my comfy chair, contemplating the costume on the floor in front of me. Instead of trying to get everything absolutely perfect, I tried to think of little ways I could make things easier for the day my friends were coming over (and I can always make more tweaks to the costume by DragonCon, if I decide I’d like to make them).
I decided to wear a pair of black winter boots already in my closet instead of buying proper cosplay shoes. Instead of painting a new mask, I wore a red mask with a gold pattern that I already owned. I told myself that I was not allowed to go on any more extremely far excursions to buy things for my cosplay, and instead, I would use the materials I already had at home. I gave myself permission to take the bus for a faraway dentist appointment that was stressing me out about my schedule for both work and cosplay. Most of all, I would reach out to my friends with significantly more experience than me for advice on the parts I struggled with.
In taking these steps, I was able to connect with the fun of my cosplay more. I started taking things less seriously, got great advice from friends, and even received a very special five-months-post-birthday present of a hot glue gun when the mattress protector I’d bought to line the cape didn’t stick with the glue I already had. I decided to let go of the idea of having a perfectly clean floor and instead researched ways to get the glue off my floor later, bought just a few snacks and did minimal organizing, and when the big day came...
It was absolutely perfect.
Sure, the seams of the cape lining were jagged and the back of the wig didn’t go far enough down on my head, but in the pictures, I am absolutely filled with joy. I was so thrilled to welcome my friends to my home that I didn’t care if my hoop skirt stuck out too rigidly or that I was wearing winter boots in June or that I walked less than 10,000 steps in a day for the first time since coming back to Chicago. I just cared about wearing a costume of one of my favorite characters of all time, that I’d made with my own two hands, while having the in-person D&D experience I missed so much over the last year and a half.
Now that I’m getting settled back into normal life, I’ve ordered some Goo-Gone to get the now-dried glue off my floor, folded and prepared my new cosplay for DragonCon, and even got started on a few new writing and transcribing projects. With this week’s experience in mind, I’d like to rethink how I imagine my goals. I don’t need to be on track with a goal 100% of the time if it’s stressing me out to such a degree, and as long as there’s a result I can be happy with, it doesn’t need to be perfect.
In the end, it’ll still feel perfect if I’m doing something that I love or working towards something I’ve dreamed of - and if I skip a day, it’s not the end of the world. It’s just a day when I need more self-care, and if I take the time to rest and take care of myself, I can be more fully present in my work in the future and reach whatever goals I set for myself.
Ellie, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.