A Change A Long Time Coming
In a few days, I will do something I haven’t done for over a year: work in my office. Just the thought of it makes me nervous, and I’m not thinking about COVID at all.
I know that I’m vaccinated and that the company I work for has done everything possible to make a safe environment for its employees. But at the same time, when I think about going back, I recall one of the first emotions I felt when I first heard about the pandemic - relief.
I was terrified of catching COVID at the time, even more terrified of my family (especially my 92-year-old Nana) catching it. But in terms of my daily life, I was so relieved that I wouldn’t have to go to the office anymore.
As someone who needs to keep mentally busy to stay afloat, especially since I started my current dose of my OCD medication, working at a job where I have basically nothing to do is horrible. Every day at the office felt like an endless slog of staring at blank computer screens, staring at walls, surreptitiously staring at my phone, and most of all, staring at any available clock, so I could tell when it was time to go. I was so miserable with this pattern that I was desperate for any way out, and working from home was an incredible solution my company had never allowed before.
When I started working from home, I immediately noticed that I had so much more patience for things like chores, exercise, and cooking healthy. I was actually happy to get out of bed in the morning. And in the middle of all of this, I was getting the same amount of work done, and probably better quality because I was in a much better mood.
Many friends have commented to me that I’m lucky to be so bored at work, but I only started to feel that when I worked from home. At home, I can manage my time in a way that I choose; if I finish work early, I can take a walk or go grocery shopping or tidy up a bit, and then those chores don’t pile up on my days off. Unlike when I’m in the office, I can manage my time in a way that makes sense to me, and not have to constantly be aware of the fact that my desk is in the middle of the hallway and people are always (politely, but very consistently) looking over my shoulder.
After two full years of begging for extra work, I’ve given up the idea of actually being busy at my current job. Instead, I focus on doing what work I get assigned in a timely manner and do the best I can to fill my spare time. At home, I can do things I enjoy while waiting for more work to come in, but next week, I am going to the office for my first day.
It’s not a permanent situation - we’re going to be remote until sometime in the fall, with occasional days to help people get used to things again. I like the idea of weaning back onto the schedule, and especially, I like the fact that I will be in the office 3 days a week and at home 2 days a week - I can balance this a lot better than my previous schedule.
Still, though, the idea of going into that space again where I spent so much time being so thoroughly miserable and stuck in my head is not exactly a pleasant thought.
When I think of going back to the office, even if things have changed, I can’t help but remember the endless days of staring up at nothing, taking countless walks around the office just to stand instead of sit, overeating just to have something I enjoyed during the day, and constantly being aware that if I tried to do anything to distract me from the mind-numbing boredom, I would be found out instantly, as I had no privacy whatsoever.
Getting ready for next week is more than a little bit intimidating. I have made a few plans to snap me out of this funk - planning my commute, organizing some cleaning supplies to help me get rid of the year-old dust and food still sitting on my desk, setting up my bookmarks on my Internet browser, and mentally preparing myself for the team lunch (something that always makes me anxious).
Many of my friends have had to go back to work before now, or will return to the office before the fall. I feel lucky that I have had so much time to adjust, but now that the time is getting closer, I’m finding it harder to keep my spirits up. I just know that there will be a point where I will get through all the cleaning and chores - and any minimal amounts of work I can save for myself for that day - and I will be sitting at my desk, feeling like I’m right back where I started.
This thought is an example of the “pre-worrying” I tend to do about events that make me anxious. My workplace is not particularly mental health friendly, so I can’t really talk to anyone at work about how I’m feeling. It’s a problem I’ve tried to solve so many times with so many different attempts to get extra work, and at this point, I think I need to reframe my own thinking instead of expecting the situation itself to change.
Here’s what I’m going to tell myself when I wake up next week knowing that I’ll be back in the office for the first time in a very long time: This is easier than it was before. I may be out of practice in terms of boredom, but I can do my best to guarantee I won’t be bored by saving work from at-home days and bringing it to the office. Several of the people who particularly enjoy nosing into my business are no longer working for the company. My boss is supportive of my mental health, even if others aren’t. And most importantly, I worked in this office for a full year without the remote time, and I can do it again.
Thanks to the way my thoughts cycle, I’ll probably repeat this to myself dozens of times in the next week. I hope it works, and that I can adjust to yet another change in my routine with so many other things during and after the pandemic
Ellie, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.