Back To Normal?
This week, I’ve been getting a lot of messages from people who know I’m out of town, asking me what I’m going to be doing tomorrow. My state is going to be opening things again, and although it’s what I’ve wanted for a while, I can’t help but feel increasingly anxious.
It’s true that I’ve felt very out of sorts about everywhere being closed, but I also feel that it’s the safer option. I’m still too afraid, both of catching coronavirus myself and spreading it to family members at higher risk, to go out and do anything at all. I can’t even imagine going to the grocery store, let alone a movie theater, bowling alley, or restaurant.
I’ve decided, in the immediate future, I won’t be going anywhere. I’m staying home where it’s safest, but the fact that even some of the states are reopening made me think about the fact that I’ll eventually be returning to Chicago after the longest time I’ve lived at home since going to college.
These last few weeks have helped me stay so much calmer than I thought I could be under conditions like these, especially since I spent a large part of my childhood analyzing every cough and sneeze for imaginary germs without anything real to worry about. It’s disconcerting to have to worry about real germs, and so I’ve stayed home except for brief walks outside. It’s easiest to keep the thoughts of catching or transmitting coronavirus at bay this way, but it doesn’t negate the fact that, at some point, I will be going back to Chicago, and things are still likely to be far from normal when I return.
I wasn’t nervous at all to come home, but I am definitely nervous to head back to Chicago, whenever that may be. When I left Chicago, I was heading home, where I knew what my routine would look like and I was guaranteed to be around my parents and dog instead of being alone. When it comes time to go back to Chicago, I’ll be alone, likely not able to do many of the social activities I’ve done in the last several months, and everything will be unsure. I’ll probably still even be afraid of the virus every time I sneeze or feel congested without an obvious explanation, and unlike being at home, I will have to go to stores and work in person instead of staying safe the way I feel most comfortable.
It’s a conundrum I don’t know how to answer: I feel so much safer here at home, but at the same time, I have my friends and work and various activities (and a potential dating prospect) in Chicago, plus my independence. There’s a big part of me that would love to be able to go back and see everyone when it’s safe, but another part of me is terrified that work will call me back too soon, I won’t have time to prepare, and I won’t be able to see people, making it even more isolating. I’m afraid of the anxiety spike likely to come at that point, and the concern is even seeping into my life now, when I’m still safe at home.
In the absence of concrete plans, I’m preparing for the trip back to Chicago in other ways. I’m getting a few video games to play when I get back, borrowing books from my dad, and doing my best to stay in touch with everyone in Chicago so I won’t feel as lonely in the beginning. It’s the best I can do without knowing when I might be going back, if it’s in a week or a month or even longer, but I feel like I have to do things like this to help counteract the negative thoughts telling me I’m going to go from a peaceful place with people I love to a small apartment by myself where my anxiety will spike uncontrollably.
And although many people are talking about the future, I’m trying to focus on the present, even so much as to ignore what will happen tomorrow. I have to read certain headlines for work, but I’m avoiding reading or watching any news about coronavirus beyond that. I’m trying to keep my routine as normal as possible, and trying not to think of the return trip to Chicago and everything that will have changed by the time I get there.
I know I’m not alone in feeling anxiety spikes like this. Many friends have expressed feelings of loneliness, loss, and depression while all of this is going on, as well as a deep fear of the uncertain times to come. In these times, forming a community is more important than ever, and I hope that all of you are able to reach out to friends and family and rely on support from therapists and organizations like No Shame On U to get through it. Whether we go back to normal (or some approximation of normal) sooner or later, I hope we can have a smooth transition and minimal anxiety to enjoy the things we’ve missed during the quarantine.
Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.