Store-Bought Is Fine
I’m not the type to go around telling everyone that I’m on mental health medication, but when I lived with roommates, it was often something they’d notice. After all, it’s part of my routine that I do every single day, and have since I was a kid.
Sometimes, when people ask, and I tell them why I take these little green pills, they’re okay with it, shrug it off, or just look around awkwardly before changing the topic. But other times, I get blatantly negative reactions like “Why are you putting chemicals in your body?” or “Why can’t you work on this on your own?”
Unhealthy and weak is what I become in their eyes, and in a few cases, it became a regular topic of discussion. Sometimes, these people would show me some exercises or a certain type of oil supposed to cure whatever’s going on in my head. Other times, they reminded me that I wasn’t doing the right thing for my body (which, of course, is their decision to make).
All of this is why I was excited to see a new addition to one of my favorite booths at C2E2 last weekend.
If you haven’t heard of Giant Microbes, they’re little plushies of diseases, important cells in the body, and other things that might appear in the context of biology. I had a few at home before the con: white and red blood cells to commemorate my being on blood thinners; chicken pox, as that was the first disease I ever got; flu, as I get the flu vaccine; and Legionnaire’s disease, which Dad bought for me before DragonCon in response to a local outbreak.
At C2E2, I added a very important new molecule to the mix: serotonin.
When my first psychiatrist explained OCD to me, she told me about neurotransmitters like serotonin that could cause symptoms like mine if they were imbalanced. She told me the medicine she prescribed would help my body make serotonin to match what a neurotypical person might create, which would make my symptoms easier to fight off.
Notice that she didn’t say what my friend thought - my medication doesn’t eradicate my symptoms entirely and make my life “easy.” Instead, it helps me keep a lower level of anxiety on a day-to-day basis to help me prepare for spikes. It makes my negative thoughts feel like a swarm of ants instead of a swarm of bloodthirsty velociraptors. I still have to deal with them on my own, but the medicine keeps me afloat long enough to get that process started by reducing both the number and intensity of negative thoughts.
Misconceptions like this, as well as other reasons both connected to and separate from the stigma against mental illness in general, keep people from seeking help and getting medicine, if that’s what works for them. I am a firm believer that medicine works for me, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without medicine.
I’m not saying that medicine is the solution for everybody, or that it’s a cure-all for any condition. But I’ve fought the anti-medicine mentality in so many ways, including from friends spiraling into depression or unable to function in everyday life, but don’t want people to think they’re weak. And even worse, they feed into the idea themselves.
No one would call someone weak for needing crutches or a cane or a wheelchair to get around due to a physical condition. People were incredibly supportive when I got hurt recently, and am using a knee brace. But the idea of needing help to fight against your own head is scary to people, and that fits right in with the stigma against mental illness. It was why I was so excited to see the serotonin molecule sitting with the other plushies at the Giant Microbes stand, and why I bought it almost immediately.
The little serotonin plushie I bought at C2E2 has the correct shape of the molecule, as well as a cute little hat with a brain cell on it, as if it’s a tourist. I like the idea of my serotonin coming in as a tourist, bringing a fresh new perspective to my thoughts that cycle over and over. Just like a tourist who isn’t better or worse than any local people in an area, the serotonin my medicine gives me isn’t worse than “natural” serotonin.
And, as one of my favorite Pinterest images says, “if you can’t make your own neurotransmitters, store-bought is fine.”
It was refreshing to see a company like Giant Microbes treating serotonin, dopamine, and other brain chemicals as something normal, and my little serotonin molecule is now placed with its other microbe buddies on my shelf. It serves as a reminder for me that, just like with the physical health conditions I’ve fought my way through, I can win this fight against OCD, and it is a blessing rather than a shame that I can “adopt” serotonin from external sources.
Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.