Things I Can’t Plan For
Many people who know me enjoy joking around with me that I over plan absolutely everything. They’re not wrong, and I get a kick out of the harmless teasing - especially when I’m aware I’m going overboard.
Take my upcoming trip to New Zealand, for example. In terms of overplanning, I’ve done just about everything. I booked the vacation eleven months in advance and started planning activities and packing the moment I found out I was going. Months ahead of the trip, I was thinking of how I would plug chargers into the wall and which snacks will get accepted through Customs.
But as the trip finally (!) approaches, I am struck by the inescapable fact that there will be plenty of things I can’t control.
In my daily life, I try to control as much as possible. It helps me stay calm and regulated, and being in my routine is a comfort that makes hard days easier and easy days a breeze. But with a trip like this, there are so many things that are out of my control - whether or not the airplane is on time, the weather where I’m going, the prepaid meals, the other people on the tour.
As someone who tries to control as much as I can, my parents were surprised that they had to tell me about a particularly nasty wave of storms that recently hit Auckland - where I’ll be landing. Many flights were turned around, including one that traveled from Dubai and was in the air for 13 hours before landing right where it started. And on the ground, many of the places I have written down in my meticulous travel journal were closed for repairs from flood damage.
My parents were surprised that I didn’t feel the need to look up the bad things that were happening, but for me, the decision was easy. My therapist and I talk a lot about things I can and can’t control, and since this is a huge, uncontrollable storm, there’s no point in me trying to brainstorm solutions or read every sordid fact until I start spiraling - because there’s nothing I’d be able to do about it.
I’m hoping and praying for a trip that goes according to plan, but there is no way of knowing that’s actually what’s going to happen. I don’t control airlines, weather, or other countries’ regulations. All I can do is take what actions I can here - like quarantining whenever I’m not at work to lower my chances of getting sick before the trip - and hope that everything turns out okay.
The other day, when I was on the phone with my parents, they reminded me that even if everything doesn’t go exactly to plan, this is still going to be my dream trip and a vacation of a lifetime. Even if I imagine things going differently, or would want to plan things another way, I am still going to love it.
I don’t know if I’m going to spend much of my free time with other trip participants or alone. I don’t know which meals will be okay and which will send me on a mission for “second dinner.” I don’t know what props and models are for sale at Weta Workshop and I don’t know if I’ll get to see every animal I want to at the zoo and wildlife sanctuaries.
In other words, all I can do is pack what I know I’ll need and sign up for a sense of adventure I don’t usually have. It’s a little like Bilbo Baggins rushing out of his house in a pose I will soon reenact on my visit to Hobbiton - charging confidently into the future, having expectations of how things will go but no guarantees that anything will go exactly that way.
All I can hope for is that, just like Bilbo, I will have a life-changing adventure that keeps me happy for a long time to come.
Michelle Cohen, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.