Nice To Finally Meet You
Hi, my name is Michelle Cohen, and I’m proud to introduce myself as No Shame On U’s head blogger for the last three and a half years.
Until this post, I was known as “Ellie” - a nickname I’ve never personally used. I’m not much for nicknames, but I was determined to make sure no one would know that I was the writer behind this blog - especially since I had just moved to Chicago to take a job at JUF, without knowing anyone.
I thought my work and social life would go away if I said who I was.
I grew up feeling like I was worth less than other people because of my mental health condition, and even though I was told over and over by my family that I was wrong, that didn’t make the thought go away any easier.
I had gotten used to people noticing ways in which I was different - my diet, my interests, my anxieties and fears - and using that to set me apart. I moved to Chicago as a fresh start and wanted nothing more than to present as “normal” of a first impression as I could.
I couldn’t stand the thought of my coworkers in my brand-new job thinking less of me for having OCD. And so, when I found out about No Shame On U and reached out to ask if I could write posts, I was determined to remain anonymous.
Anonymity felt safe, but after nearly four years of writing about my mental health experiences, it also felt stifling. There’s little about my mental health journey that long-term readers don’t know about me. But beyond sharing stories through the written word, I felt like there was no way I could keep spreading the idea of a world free of the stigma against mental illness.
And so, I decided to make an appearance on No Shame On U’s podcast and reveal my name to the community. While my family members and close friends who knew were surprised, they only had one question for me: Why pull back the cover after so long?
Part of it is because I am trying to get a book published about my experiences. I’d like to help people feel like they’re not alone and destigmatize mental health one story at a time - like I’ve been doing with this blog, but on a bigger scale. It’s been my lifelong dream to be a published author and there is no truer story I can tell than the one I live every day.
The book - which is currently named I Eat French Fries With A Fork in honor of my first post here - is a compilation of essays, some of which are adapted from here, others which I have never shared before. They are filled with the joy of my positive obsessions and the pain of negative ones. They take a trip deep into the harrowing night ten years ago when I thought I would die by my obsessions if not from my body, and the therapy, friendships, and kindness that pulled me out of despair and into my currently happy life.
I would love to share my story more widely as I continue to share it here - and in addition to that, I wanted to share my name to go along with one of the principles of my life: I put my name on things I’m proud of.
At work, I don’t turn in articles that I’m not proud of if they’re going to have my byline. I take pride in what I put my name on, and I wanted to show people - including the people at work who I was so afraid of - that I am not ashamed of being myself.
I am not ashamed that I grew up doing visible compulsions.
I am not ashamed that it took me until I was eighteen to try mac and cheese, sleep away from home for more than a night, and have my first sincere friend.
I am not ashamed that it took me a long time to do things other people around me have found easy, whether that was drinking orange juice, having my first kiss, or recovering from medical trauma.
I am not ashamed that I take SSRI medication every day, and I have relied on a variety of kinds of therapy throughout my life to stay afloat.
And most importantly, writing this blog and book have helped me realize that I shouldn’t be ashamed to not be “normal.”
This is who I am, and it’s not changing. No matter how much I continue to evolve and grow, I do so with a neurodivergent mind and that makes a huge difference. I was recently asked, if I could choose to take an imaginary cure and become neurotypical, if I would - and the thought scared me. I don’t know who I am without OCD, and whoever engages with me in any way gets to know it somehow. Whether it means I don’t eat at work lunches or get way too excited about conventions, it’s part of me that I have learned to work with and if that part of me is not welcome, I am not welcome.
I sincerely hope, as I send this out to the community, that I will be welcomed. I hope that, unlike the experiences I had in my childhood and early adulthood, people will see that I’m trying my hardest and am determined to help others do the same.
So, here I am. I hope you’ve enjoyed my story so far, and I look forward to continuing my active involvement at No Shame On U and in the realm of mental health advocacy for plenty of time to come.
Michelle Cohen, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.