What Support Really Means
Lately, I have encountered several examples of people trying to be supportive to those living with mental illness, only for it to backfire and make the person more anxious. So, what went wrong?
For both me and my friends who have experienced it recently, there is one thing in common: people want to be supportive, don’t know how, and instead of asking, force their idea of what they think will help.
I’ve noticed that, as I’ve become more open about my mental health with the wider community, that more people want to be helpful. This is wonderful! But, sometimes, it can make things worse if I feel forced to do something that makes me uncomfortable and my refusal isn’t listened to.
When people don’t take “no” for an answer, I feel overwhelmed. Sometimes, I even start to cry or need to do deep breathing to recenter myself. If people get pushy while I’m doing those things, it makes it even harder for me to refuse, and I often end up saying “yes” just to get out of the situation faster. Definitely not something I find relaxing!
In a recent situation like this, the person who was pushing me tried to explain what she was doing as: “This is what always helps me feel good.”
The sentiment was admirable, but at the same time, it’s extremely important to listen to the person you’re trying to help. They may not feel the same way about what works for you - and that’s fine! Everyone has their own ways of calming down and no two people are alike.
For example, I’m fully aware that my idea of a relaxing evening - eating gooey baked ziti while curled up in my late dog’s blanket and watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy - is not everyone’s idea of a good night. But for me, this is what works best.
Everyone knows their own coping mechanisms best, and truly supporting someone means doing what they need to do in that moment to feel better - not imposing your ideas of what you think will help.
It’s almost been a year since my dog passed away, and I still vividly remember how my friend John* (name protected for privacy) reacted: a big hug, walking me home, and asking what I needed. They suggested food, and I was unsure at first, so they dropped the idea until I was ready. I asked if I could share photos and memories of my dog, and they said yes and listened until I wanted to try to eat something. They were a bright spot of light on an otherwise horrible day, and the kindness they offered by listening to me was exactly what I needed.
Offering ideas isn’t a bad thing, but it’s very important to pay attention to both verbal and physical cues to see if the person is actually interested. Some people may have a harder time saying “no” especially if you are trying to give them a gift or do an activity together, but if they appear uneager or shy away, this may be a sign that they’re not as interested.
Writing this post gives me mixed feelings. I’m grateful that people around me are trying to support my friends and I, but at the same time, a lack of knowledge about what support should really look like means that it can make our mental health worse instead. To me, this shows that people are more interested in taking mental health seriously and being kind, and just need a nudge in the right direction about how to be most effective.
Michelle Cohen, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.