What Works For Everyone?
Lately, I’ve been puzzling over a problem I keep encountering in my Pokemon Go group - namely, how to balance including people who display behaviors indicative of mental illness in group functions as well as ensuring the comfort of everyone present.
Here’s what’s been going on: A member of the group who’s been inactive for a long time (I’ll call him Caleb) recently began attending group things again, and even with me missing a lot of our meetups due to improv, I’ve been seeing him a lot. Most of these times, it’s not intentional on my part - he’ll show up right behind me, in my personal space, and explain that he’s followed me ever since he saw my colorful hat from a few blocks away. From there, he chatters away, awkward but excited, not realizing that it bothers me to be followed.
The idea of being followed, especially without knowing about it, by someone I barely know is disconcerting and creepy to me. One time, Caleb even added that he’d left his dinner at a nearby restaurant to follow me several blocks before he popped up right behind me, scaring me. I started trying to avoid him at all costs, and when he kept getting me alone (as I tend to show up early to meetups), I’d try to reach out to others for backup.
I’ve received two very different responses from people. In the beginning, people said that since he seems to display symptoms of mental illness, we should be kind no matter what. These people often refused to step between us, citing that Caleb needed to see unenthusiastic reactions like mine to help him learn social cues. Others said I don’t have a responsibility to enable behavior I’m uncomfortable with, and I’m fully within my rights to disengage from the conversation or even be mean, if I want.
My strategy has mainly turned to avoidance. I’ve tried to avoid being early to things to avoid being the only person nearby when he comes. I wear my hood over my hat so I can stay warm, but also not invite unwanted behavior. But I will still trade pokemon with him, even if it’s just the one daily trade you’re supposed to do when you run into someone on your friends list. I won’t reject him entirely, because I know how it feels.
I know what it means to be the person on the sidelines of social situations, recognizing that other people have an easy bond with each other and tense up when I get there. I know what it’s like to want so badly to be a part of things that I get as close as possible to the people involved, even though I know there’s still a barrier between us. And although it’s been a while since I’ve felt that way, I can understand how Caleb may be feeling, and I can’t make myself be like one of the people in my childhood whose intolerance prevented any form of kindness.
On the flip side, I’ve encountered some people who try to use other people’s kindness for their own purposes, like the friend I once had who used to say that sexually harassing women was the only way to make his depression feel better. It took me too long to realize he took things too far, and that isn’t an actual excuse, but where is the right place to draw the line?
Is it a numbers game, like how people’s responses began to change when more than one person said Caleb was following them? Does it depend on their behavior or the words they say? Is it based on how many times the incident in question happens, or the context of the specific events?
The other day, on my way back from my fantasy and sci-fi book club, I saw a few people trading through the window of Starbucks and came by to say hi. People were kind and welcoming to me, but part of me wondered if I’d done the same thing as Caleb and intruded where I wasn’t wanted. And in that situation, I thought back to something a friend of mine suggested when I asked for advice about Caleb.
She told me that the best way to get everyone on the same page was open communication. In his case, he might not realize he was doing something that made people uncomfortable, and he would probably appreciate a heads-up. Not to mention, knowing for sure that he knows what’s bothering people can give others a way to test his intentions afterwards.
As a kid, I would have loved more concrete feedback like this. I used to get it from my therapist after explaining my failed attempts at social interaction, but I never got it from the people themselves. Thanks to that lack of information, I often ended up confusing myself by overthinking things, which further distanced me from my peers.
I haven’t had a chance to talk to Caleb yet, but I hope I will soon. It’s a good way to be kind while still sticking up for myself and my own comfort, and it may help him figure out the social norms of the group better.
I’ve come to realize over the years that I can’t completely eradicate unwanted behaviors simply for the sake of fitting in. It’s up to the rest of the group to be tolerant of this, kind whenever possible, and willing to compromise, but it’s also up to me to learn how to not make people uncomfortable. If both sides are willing to give and receive feedback, I think it can be a wonderful learning experience for everyone, plus a great way to help people who may not have experienced positive friendships before.
Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.