It Doesn’t Just Go Away
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about mental health at work. Whether it’s my best friend trying to shift to a project that doesn’t conflict with their anxiety or me trying to deal with an incredibly stressful project of my own, I can’t help but wonder if there’s some way to be more accommodating of mental health needs at work without compromising the company.
In my case, I’ve been stressed about a project with a lot of moving pieces that I’m supposed to corral, and even though I enjoy organizing things like this, the interpersonal aspect of the project is extremely difficult, and the more stressed I get, the harder it is to find my way through the thoughts that muddy my head. It feels like wading through a thickening swamp, and then when I inevitably get caught up in a mistake, it’s hard to find my way out without significant stress. At home, I let out this stress with a variety of coping mechanisms, some healthier than others, but the workday can feel unbelievably long without a way to even start dealing with stress until many hours after it begins.
I’ve never felt comfortable disclosing mental health information at work, even something as simple as “this makes me nervous.” It feels more shameful to disclose even the smallest thing because I’m afraid it would make me seem like I can’t do my job properly. So, when these stressful situations come up, I find it difficult to express why I’m anxious (usually because I’m engaged in one of my most common thought patterns of thinking too far down the line) or why I tend to look less busy when I have more work (playing with toys or games on my desk can help me calm down and get back on track).
It’s not possible to state these real reasons for having trouble with a task without facing judgment. It’s not usually even possible to take a mental health day to recuperate from tough circumstances - even though I’ve only done this twice in the 15 months that I’ve been at my current job, I still feel the need to come up with some physical reason I couldn’t make it to work that day, like a stomach bug.
(Thanks to the fact that no one knows about my mental health struggles, no one knows about my emetophobia either, and my casual “oh yeah, I got sick” doesn’t seem strange like it would to my friends.)
I completely understand that it wouldn’t be good for the employee or the company to have mental illness as a catch-all excuse for not doing work or performing poorly. It also doesn’t mean getting out of things you don’t want to do - for example, when I was nervous to interview a family who recently lost a loved one, rather than trying to get out of that particular story, I chose to ask my boss for ideas of good questions to ask so that I could prepare more effectively, as I know preparation helps me calm down.
When I feel comfortable in my head, I’m far more productive than when I’m sitting at my desk wondering how to hide that I’m feeling anxious about a work task or something else that might be on my mind.
It reminded me of a video I saw where MacDoesIt, a gay YouTuber, reacts to homophobic video clips. In one of the clips, it’s stated that when you go to the airport, you leave things that aren’t allowed outside of security to get onto a plane - therefore, gayness needs to be left outside in order to get into Heaven. Mac laments that you can’t just put your identity in a duffel bag and plop it outside the door, and that statement couldn’t ring truer here.
Just like it’s not possible to leave sexual orientation outside, it’s impossible to leave mental health outside. Not only does OCD define the way my brain is wired, but it also changes how I see the world. My work style and the way I think are both heavily affected by the way I’ve grown up with OCD and learned how to deal with it in a variety of settings, and I can’t undo that by simply trying to do a better job of hiding things.
I personally think it could be helpful to be more open - not necessarily about a diagnosis or any medical information that I feel uncomfortable sharing, but to have the option to offer tidbits that could help me have a more successful time at work, and be listened to. It would be nice to be able to say that I’m good at keeping a tight rein on spreadsheets, but lunch meetings make me anxious. It’d be helpful to note that if I look distracted by toys or games on my desk, it’s not that I’m choosing to waste my time instead of work, it’s me knowing that if I take a short break to get rid of some of the anxiety clogging my head, I’ll be able to focus on my work better.
This would be great for both the company and the employee. An employee who feels more comfortable in their environment will do better work, which would both bolster them and hopefully encourage others to speak up about their own troubles. It’s another step in eliminating the stigma that prevents people living with mental illness from reaching their full potential, and one that would ultimately make for happier and healthier people at work and beyond.
Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.