Just What I Needed

Just What I Needed

I’ve cried so much in the last couple of weeks. Somehow, in such a short time span, I lost my beloved D&D group that I’ve been playing with for almost 3 years and was broken up with in a surprising and cruel way - not to mention that I’m worried about my mom who recently had major foot surgery and still not super happy with the results of a recent procedure on my nose.

I didn’t know what to do when faced with all of this. I tried so many things, mostly involving distracting myself and not being alone, but I still felt angry, resentful, and liable to burst into tears at any given moment.

I decided, after trying and failing to meet with several friends, that I needed to be the one to solve this problem myself - but what could break through so many negative emotions at once? I started to think of things that would make me happy in the future - books, video games, vacation, and the like - and put them on a list. The closest thing was the release of a video game towards the end of June, but in the meantime, I wallowed in self-pity and had no clue how to get out.

And then, I found out that a demo of the game was released a couple of weeks early. I normally wouldn’t let myself play part of a game before I could access the entire thing, but I figured this had to be the time for relaxing my rules. After all, I tried everything else that could make me feel better, to no avail. It was worth a shot.

So, as I hid inside my closet from a tornado warning, I booted up my Nintendo Switch and started to play the demo of Fire Emblem Warriors: Three Hopes.

I knew, right away, that I would have no patience for the storylines I didn’t like. As soon as there was a choice within the plot, I chose to follow my favorite character - someone I picked out many years ago for surviving significant medical trauma and also managing to be a badass at the same time. The battle style of the game was easy enough that I could just fall right in even though my head was in no place for sophisticated strategy.

The first two battles went pretty okay. By the third, I was surprised to see that the story was changing direction in a most pleasant way. The more I clicked through, it was like someone at Nintendo had asked me what I wanted to see in the story and they’d written it exactly like that. It was like a fanfiction come to life, and I couldn’t help but smile as I saw that the third battle was going to take place in an area of the game I’d wanted to play with for a long time: the palace.

Instead of focusing on strategy, I ran my character all around the map of the palace, getting increasingly happy as I made mental notes of where everything was. Indoor and outdoor gardens, how fancy - and the throne room that had only been in the first game for a minute, and a waterfall that looked and sounded real… Oh, and here’s a “Chamber of the Eagle,” that’s such a cool name for a room!

In my short time playing the demo, I found the fairness and control I felt like my real life lacked lately. I got to see my favorite characters - who live with mental illness and trauma just like me - emerging victorious. And all of this set to an amazing soundtrack with beautifully written dialogue sent me over the edge.

For the first time since my D&D group ended - the impetus that started all of this - I started crying happy tears.

In that moment, the happiness was stronger than the sadness. I could feel my old, familiar urge to reach out to others who love this series like I do and read fanfiction until I go cross-eyed and prepare my wig for this year’s DragonCon. For the first time since all of this happened, I felt like myself again - all thanks to my positive obsession with the Fire Emblem: Three Houses universe.

Just like my other positive obsessions, I didn’t know that it would start when it did. I didn’t know it would last as long as it has. But I know that, at least for now, this is something that makes me happy - happier than I would have thought was possible - and it renewed my faith that even if my brain was causing me pain, it also provided me the perfect way to get out of it.

As I played through the rest of the demo, the positive and negative emotions came out that needed to - and as I sit here writing this, I feel like I’ve taken many steps on my way back to my normal self. In the end, it turns out my OCD was just what I needed.

Ellie, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

You Don’t Need To “Get It” To Get It

You Don’t Need To “Get It” To Get It

I regretted the message almost as soon as I sent it.

It’s just that I was so excited, so eager about a new fanfiction writing challenge - my first story in a long time not related to mental health advocacy, just something for fun - that I wanted to tell people all about it.

Most of the things I’m interested in, I’m able to share with other people. My friends enjoy seeing my cosplays, swapping recommendations for nerdy books and video games, and finding our next binge-worthy TV show. But I know that none of my friends are interested in Lord of the Rings like me, so I am usually determined to not share.

The only problem is, this is my fifth year participating in this fanfiction challenge, and it always makes my summer so much more fun to have a new story percolating in my head. For once, I wanted to try to share this joy with people - and so, I sent a message to my close friend Olive telling her about the story.

But in my excitement, I’d forgotten that she once told me that her first impression of me was that I knew too much about Lord of the Rings and might not want to be friends with her because she didn’t know. I thought of the fact that we have safe conversation topics that we both like, and that I shouldn’t want or need more than that.

In the end, though, I do need more than that sometimes. I sometimes need to share my joy with something that other people aren’t interested in, and throughout my life, I’ve tried to figure out how to share this with other people. It’s complicated, though - since I don’t want to push anyone away by being considered pushy, annoying, or weird.

I wished I could take back the message to my friend in the moment, and even more so after I saw that she read it but didn’t reply. I was embarrassed at showing my interest too openly, and at the same time, I wished I could do it even more. It’s a paradox that I know all too well, but thankfully, I was heading to bed soon, so I didn’t have too much time to sit around and think about it.

The next morning, I was pleasantly surprised to wake up to a message from Olive. She said that she didn’t know exactly what I was talking about (not a surprise, since I’d filled my initial message with details about characters and settings she didn’t know), but she created her own interpretation of my message and sent it back to me.

She sent me a Photoshopped picture of a romance novel (right on that, since I said it was a romance story) with elf ears added to the characters (right again, and always a safe bet, since elves tend to be my favorite characters). She’d added an emu to the background - which I find entertaining since I always include an emu in any work I write for the stage - and she scribbled my name on the cover.

As soon as I saw the picture, I couldn’t be happier.

It didn’t matter to me that she didn’t understand much about the characters. It didn’t matter to me that the Photoshop job was a little sloppy. The only thing that mattered was that she tried to understand and support what I was talking about because she knew how important it was to me.

When she came over later that day, she told me she’d been brushing up on her Lord of the Rings knowledge in case I ever wanted to talk about it. She was considering reading The Silmarillion for the same reason, and asked me if I had any tips about how to approach the generally intimidating book.

I was beyond honored that she would want to do something like that for me - especially when it feels sometimes like I’ve spent my whole life having to be interested in things “normal” people are interested in. To have someone go out of the way to accommodate an interest of mine made me feel seen and loved, and I told her as much while squishing her in a hug.

And then, just like it should be in friendships, I did things for her. I tried on clothes with her in a mock fashion show and watched clips from British comedians who I’ve never heard of. And we found common ground in a British comedy show with one of my favorite actors from the Lord of the Rings movies.

As a child, I never thought I’d get to have friendships where any effort would be mutual. I got so used to hiding my own interests and pretending to be interested in other people’s that it was such a relief to find a friendship where I don’t have to do that.

I’ve saved the picture - weird Photoshop and all. I’m going to keep it on my phone as a reminder that even when I am afraid of being weird or “too much,” there are people who love me for exactly who I am.

Ellie, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

A Teddy Bear In a Plastic Bag

A Teddy Bear In A Plastic Bag

When I realized I would have to get a medical procedure that would likely bring back old trauma, I immediately wondered what coping mechanisms would get me through it.

I knew that this would be a difficult choice, since the procedure is being done while I’m awake. If it was being done under anesthesia or some other way of altered consciousness, there wouldn’t be as much of a need - but since I was traumatized by three surgeries I had while I was awake ten years ago, I find myself needing something more than the run-of-the-mill coping mechanisms I rely on for everyday things.

It’s hard to explain to doctors why I need a coping mechanism. I’ve found that mental and physical health are often separated to the point that only one of them matters at a time, and during a medical procedure for physical health, mental health is shoved aside. No doctor would knock me out simply because of my fear or my past experiences, and with the procedure happening on my face, there is no way for me to avoid what’s going to be happening literally right under my nose.

It thus fell to me to come up with a solution that would take care of my mental health at a time that would be triggering for me while still obeying the doctors’ instructions.

I first thought of the things that usually work best for me. My usual favorite coping mechanism for potentially triggering situations is not being alone, but thanks to the hospital’s COVID policy, I’m not allowed to bring anyone past the waiting room. I can have a friend waiting for me outside, but not in the procedure room - which will be the most frightening part. So, after securing a friend to stay in the waiting room, I began to think of what might work during the procedure itself.

My Nintendo Switch is too big, and I won’t be able to see it if my face is being operated on. Same goes for my phone, which is frowned upon in these settings anyway. I’ll try to bring headphones so I can listen to music, but there’s no guarantee the doctor will let any sort of technology in the room. It seemed to me that technology isn’t a solution for this particular situation.

I decided to branch out and get creative, trusting in my years of experience coping with a variety of things to find a technology-free solution. I quickly dismissed books for the same reason as my Switch - I won’t be able to see the pages if the doctor is standing between me and the book - and then I thought of the fact that I was likely to bleed during the procedure and didn’t want to stain a book.

I then realized that I hadn’t even thought of my favorite coping mechanism - but at first, I thought it would never work.

I’ve had Puffy - a pink Gund Snuffles teddy bear - since I was six weeks old. He’s been with me through everything in my life, and even though it’s been nearly thirty years, he still has most of his stuffing, even if his fur is rather short. The texture of his remaining fur, the smooth eyes and button nose, and even the stitches from the many, many “operations” he underwent to reattach said nose are all incredibly comforting to me.

The only problem is, Puffy can’t be washed by the machines in my apartment building. They’re industrial size and strength, and I don’t trust that they would leave such an old and very-loved toy intact. Since I was afraid of staining him and not being able to wash him until my next visit home, I almost dismissed him as a solution until I came up with an idea that I knew would work.

Thanks to years of me sleeping with Puffy cradled in my arms every night, he is significantly smaller than he was when my parents first bought him for me - which means that he can fit inside of a large Ziploc bag. If I seal him inside, I can have the comfort of my favorite teddy bear who has been with me my whole life and not feel alone during the procedure, and if I bleed during the procedure, there is a protective layer between the blood and the bear.

As soon as I figured out that I could do this, I felt a weight lifted off of me. In situations when I know I am likely to be triggered, I often feel out of control, which makes my OCD worse. I spiral into all sorts of negative thoughts and may even start to panic - and although it’s thankfully been years since I’ve had a panic attack, I still experience panicked thought patterns and my heart rate soars.

Bringing Puffy might not be in any sort of pre-op instructions, but I know that when I have him there, I will know that something is in my control. I won’t know if any of the horrible things I picture whenever I think of medical procedures will happen, but thanks to a suggestion from my therapist, I know that if I can control even one thing in a stressful or scary situation, I feel immensely better.

The procedure is tomorrow, and I’ve left out a Ziploc plastic bag next to my medical paperwork. I might not be able to control whether or not I bleed, how many needles go into my face or anywhere else, or if my worst fear about the procedure will come true. I don’t know how much it’ll hurt or how long it’ll take me to heal. But I do know that when I have to leave my friend in the waiting room, I won’t be entirely out of control when I go back for the procedure - and that’ll make all the difference for my mental health.

 Ellie, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

Some Wounds Don't Heal

Some Wounds Don’t Heal

Have you ever had a cut with a scab that stays on forever, and just when you think it’s ready to be peeled off, the cut reopens and you have to start all over again?

That’s how I feel every time someone tells me I’m “too much.”

I was taught, as a child, that because of the way my brain works, I will always be “too much” for most people. I knew, deep down, that even my family needed breaks from my energy, enthusiasm, and obsessions - and since I didn’t have friends, they were my barometer for how the world would treat me.

It was because of kindness that they encouraged me to take up less space, took me to therapy where I learned how to blend in, and inadvertently ingrained into my head that I can never fully be myself with anyone.

After many sessions with my child psychologist, I felt bad to inflict myself upon people - even my family. I became resentful that there was no room for the one coping mechanism for my OCD that actually works - choosing to obsess about something positive instead of something negative. I hate that in my childhood I was always bursting with energy and joy and positive obsessions and when they had nowhere to go, I shoved them down and down and down until, even now, they only pop out in specific circumstances when I feel safe from rejection.

These little moments feel so liberating, but they are rare. I try so hard to fit in, but inside, I’m screaming for the chance for my heart and passions to be let out. I’m frustrated that people can casually say “I’m so obsessed with this TV show/movie/band” but if I try the same thing, it’s weird and strange and makes people uncomfortable.

People tell me this in a variety of ways. A friend once told me - after she witnessed me and another friend exchanging Lord of the Rings-related puns - that she felt like I was intimidatingly smart and wouldn’t want to associate with anyone who didn’t get the jokes. At work, I’m told to branch out my topics of conversation even if I don’t know about those topics, and when I fall back on my usual MO of being quiet when I don’t have anything to say, I’m too meek or shy. And recently, my DM for D&D told me I was taking up too much space with roleplay.

My current therapist tells me that it’s about other people, not me - if they are uncomfortable and don’t have a way to deal with their feelings, they pin it on me. But I don’t believe her, even though I trust her with almost everything else. I don’t think so many people could be wrong, and after a lifetime of hearing it, I’ve grown to accept that my passionate, energetic, enthusiastic, obsessed self is something to hide and be ashamed of.

When I hear the words “too much,” it’s like flipping a switch. If I was comfortable with the person who told me this, I am no longer comfortable. I no longer want to share what matters to me, whether that means the big things or the little things. I feel an urge to “maliciously comply” with what they say - like if I am told I talk too much, I want to never open my mouth again around them.

And so, when I heard from my DM last week, I wondered what to do about D&D since it is one of my favorite activities. I thought of so many ways I could stand up for myself, and then used none of them, since I was told so many times as a child that my social skills are bad enough that if someone tells me I’m “too much,” they’re right.

And so, I stayed quiet. It was a roleplay-heavy session - one practically designed for me - and I only spoke when absolutely required. My lack of participation forced the person in the group who doesn’t like roleplay into center stage, and with a character not designed for that, he struggled. I let myself have the one petty moment of “Oh yeah, my +18 in Persuasion (one of the main dialogue skills in D&D) would have helped here,” before I returned to my silence. But in the end, I think the only one who was hurting was me.

And the worst part was, no one thought to say or do anything about the fact that the usually friendly and chatty Ellie was imitating a mannequin. I was listening to the feedback. Being a good girl who does what I’m told, and there’s no need to comment on that, no matter how much it hurt me.

I don’t like lashing out when I’m hurt. I don’t like that I have this big, blaring button on my chest that keeps getting pushed no matter how hard I try to blend in and act “normal.” I don’t like that I befriend people who support me to a point, then tell me I’m “too much” and reinforce that the only person who really wants to care about me 100% of the time is me.

I have some bright spots on the horizon - conventions, certain online meetups, and a trip to New Zealand in nine months that I’ve wanted to go on since I was in high school. In these places, I don’t have to mask at all. Everyone is either interested in the things I care about to the same degree as I am or find my enthusiasm an asset.

But whenever I let my guard down in regular circumstances, and I’m told that I’m “too much,” this is what goes through my head: You’re just as bad at hiding your OCD as when you were a kid. You’re doing it wrong. No one wants to see the real you. Why would you think you could trust these people?

When I think like this, I try to remember the quote I have pinned to the wall of my cubicle, from Danielle Laporte:

“You will always be too much for something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge. Apologize for mistakes. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone - profusely. But don’t apologize for being who you are.”

When I look at this quote, I feel a scab begin to form on that ancient cut once more. One day, I hope I will get to a place where the scab won’t just rip off again, painfully. One day, I hope I can be in a situation where being myself fully is no longer a bad thing, and I can finally, actually heal.

Ellie, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

Bringing A Fishing Pole To A Sword Fight

Bringing A Fishing Pole To A Sword Fight

For me, one of the major ways OCD has always manifested itself is perfectionism. Everything has to be done in the right way, and if I’m too far away from what I consider the right way, I start to feel anxious. This feeling tends to compound itself in group settings, especially since I’ve felt the need to make friends by impressing people since I was a child and “normal” friend-making techniques didn’t exactly work.

So, I was all the more stressed out when, this week, I had to deal with a situation where I made a mistake in front of a group of new friends who I was definitely trying to impress.

During a “raid” in Lord of the Rings Online, one of my favorite video games for the last decade, players work together as a group to do an objective (usually a fantasy-style fight). In this particular raid, I was in a group of six people working to battle a dragon and reclaim its hoard.

It’s a tough battle, and as the newest person in this well-established group, I really wanted to prove myself. I knew that most - if not all - of the other people in the raid had been playing even longer than me and several played more competitively. I wanted to prove that I was worthy of having a spot in the group - after all, they were letting me in when they could probably find players with a lot more experience in raids who would be a better asset to the group.

In other words, my old childhood mindset of “they could have done better - but I have to prove them wrong” came in, and I set out to be the best raid participant they could ever ask for.

The beginning portion of the raid went smoothly, but when we were preparing to fight the dragon, I decided to take a look at my weapons once again, to make sure everything was okay. It’s not something I needed to do - in fact, it’s more like how I check that I have my keys at least twice before I leave my apartment most days. And yet, I did it anyway.

It took until the fight started to realize that when I was checking my sword, I had accidentally clicked on a fishing rod in my character’s inventory, which made my character pick that up instead of her sword. And, thanks to the way this game works, I would be unable to change the “weapon” I had equipped for the duration of the fight.

I was immediately mortified. My first raid with these new people who had welcomed me even though I was definitely not on their level was going to be a disaster - and all because of my need to check once again that I had equipped the correct sword.

As soon as the fight began, I spluttered to the group in our voice chat that I had messed up and that the group would essentially be doing the raid with five people instead of six. I apologized, did my best to explain what had happened, and fully expected to be kicked out of this new group where I didn’t even know the people all that well.

But instead of the hatred I expected, all I received was uproarious laughter. Not at me - at the circumstance of the game and the way it wouldn’t let me change the fishing rod for a sword! The whole conversation turned jovial and we all got a great laugh as I cheered from the sidelines, waving my fishing rod, watching as the five people in the group who were far better equipped than me brought down the dragon.

It took longer to complete the raid than if I hadn’t been holding a fishing rod the entire time, but it wasn’t that big of a difference. Everyone was still able to work together and the more serious group members enjoyed the challenge of bringing down the dragon with fewer people. And, at the end of the night, the group leader explained that it was their tradition to take a screenshot of the raid group with the prize - and they wanted me to stand in front and wave the fishing rod.

What started out as a mistake turned into people telling me that I made their night by bringing humor into a usually serious situation. They told me that I was welcome in any raids they do, and while it might be more helpful to bring a sword in the future, it was hilarious that I wielded a fighting rod against a dragon in my first raid with the group.

As the anxiety of making people hate me faded away, I thought back to how I joined this group, not so long ago. The reason I felt so comfortable joining was that the leader welcomed me when I was having trouble in a different raid - even going so far as to send me a message of encouragement when I was stressing about doing everything right.

In the end, no one actually cared about the fact that I brought a fishing rod to a sword fight - and no amount of preparation or worry could have taken away the silly mistake I made. It’s now turned into a joke within the group, the first “inside joke” I’ve been part of - and it makes me feel welcomed in a situation where my anxiety could have led to a far worse outcome.

 Ellie, a writer in the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.