THOUGHTS AREN'T THREATS

Thoughts Aren’t Threats

TW: Self-harm thoughts

Now that Chicago - among many other places - is in a second wave of the pandemic, I’ve been trying to take some time to think about ways to stay calm. One of the major things I’ve thought of is a refresher of my cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) work that I started during my junior year of college. Even though a lot of the things I worked on in CBT have become second nature, I felt now is a good time to work on some of the basics in a more formal way to ensure strength in potentially difficult days to come.

The first - and maybe even the most important - thing I remember from CBT is a mantra I worked on with my therapist and that features prominently in a book that’s helped me a lot over the years (The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD). It’s a simple phrase to help diffuse tension in the moments when thoughts feel insurmountably tough to conquer.

It’s a simple phrase: “Thoughts are thoughts, not threats.” And it means exactly what it says: no matter how threatening a thought may seem to me, no matter how bleak the future seems if I accept a thought as true, it is still just a thought. It’s just one of the many thousands of thoughts that pass through my mind each and every day, and the only thing that makes some thoughts seem more powerful than others is that they feel threatening.

For example, when I was first learning about this way of thinking, I was often afraid around sharp objects like knives because I was afraid I was going to hurt myself with them. The thought made me alter my behavior - staying out of kitchens and the like - and that gave it even more power. “Now I can’t even be around knives,” I thought after I got used to avoiding them, and things kept escalating from there until these thoughts were pervasive and invaded my everyday life to an unbelievable extent.

Thankfully, it’s been years since a thought has had that much power over me, but even in the years since, I have had many times when I had to remind myself that the thoughts in my head are not necessarily going to happen. This is true about everything from the election results to COVID exposure to doing well on a task at work. No matter how insistent the thought is, or how many times I think it, it is just a thought.

During my initial CBT work, I used to have to write stories in which my thoughts were coming true. It was terrifying the first time I started typing, and the story - like my thoughts - soon started spiraling out of control until it was so much worse than I had imagined it before. But then, my therapist told me to just look at the screen. It was just a computer screen with words on it. There was no blood. No one was hurt. Nothing that I had written ever came true in real life, and that was because I am the one with the power to either make my thoughts come to life or choose a better way to deal with my anxiety.

By thinking that “thoughts are thoughts, not threats” over and over, I taught myself to apply this to my other thoughts even when I wasn’t writing worst-case scenarios in therapy anymore. After a while, it became second nature, although in a more stressful time, it’s helpful to repeat exercises like this for current negative thoughts I have and see that they, too, aren’t actually threatening me.

At the beginning of the pandemic, I practiced this with the thoughts that I was getting COVID from every breath I took even remotely near another person. But I never actually got COVID from any of those thoughts, and in time, they faded. I didn’t need to write out a scenario where I got it and got extremely sick because of the work I did before, but all that work set the stage for having an easier time now.

In the coming weeks, I plan to do a deep dive into the CBT techniques I remember, as well as work my way through a therapeutic journal. After everything that’s been happening in the world, plus the relapse I had recently with the puppy, now seems like a very good time to check in with myself and revisit the techniques that have helped me so much.

With the mantra of “thoughts are thoughts, not threats,” I’ve been able to convince myself that I’ve hit a hurdle in the road instead of going completely back to the beginning of my journey. I look forward to seeing how much more I can improve with the aid of CBT techniques, thought analysis, and everything else that has brought me out of tough times in the past, and create a great future.

Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

Self-care tips for the winter months of a pandemic...Guest Blogger

Creating an environment for yourself to thrive: self-care tips for the winter months of a pandemic.

by Iram Noor Ashgar

With winter just around the corner It is crucial for us all to get a handle on our routines and environments now more than ever. This can be an exciting journey though. We are creating our own worlds! Whether you live alone or with family, friends, children or partners, we all ultimately get to decide how we craft our spaces and structure our lives. This is a great opportunity to put some effort into making our days look and flow with as much ease as possible. 

1)    Set things up the night before 

There are so many stressors coming at us right now from both external and internal forces. It is important to provide yourself with a structure that supports you so that you aren't constantly battling yourself. 

How can you reorganize your space so that you can clearly move through all the tasks and activities of your day as soon as you wake up? 

If you often skip out on exercise because you are feeling low energy or dont have the right environment to support it, can you lay out your yoga mat the night before? Or perhaps pick out your workout clothes and set them out so they are ready when you wake up? 

How else can you support yourself? 

Fill up a bottle of water before you go to bed so it's ready for you to drink first thing in the morning. 

Take time to ask yourself what you need in a supportive environment and provide it for yourself. 

Sometimes that means making a couple big changes. This week I realized that my mattress was just not right for my body's needs at the moment and I switched to sleeping on a floor futon. 

What is your body telling you about your environment today ? 

2)    Create clear rituals and routines 

These can be especially helpful when we are dealing with mental health. Having a degree of predictability makes us feel safe and able to move through our day, Can you provide yourself with some predictable and supportive routines? 

That could be as simple as drinking a cup or water as soon as you wake up, or taking time to journal first thing in the morning. 

Setting aside sacred and predictable spaces for self-reflection are crucial for grounding our minds. Especially when everything else seems like it is moving, Having points of stability can be valuable anchors for peace and sanity. 

3)    Do some kind of physical activity 

There is really no right or wrong for this and everyone should find the type of physical activity that feels best for their body. This can also change from time to time and it's great to switch up the type of physical activity you do. 

You could go on walks or runs, do yoga, dance, do gentle stretches, strength training, …. really whatever speaks to you the most will be the most helpful.  

4)    Take time to quiet your mind 

This can be really hard! Some people like to meditate in silence while others like to use guided meditations or even just go for a mindful walk. With quieting your mind, again there is no right or wrong way to do it. 

I started out using guided meditations and then realized that I was getting interested in Zen meditation. At some point Zen meditation became difficult and I went back to guided meditations. I also find going on silent walks to be a great way to connect with myself and with my intuitive body. 

A way in which I have been adding magic and contemplation to my life has been through unplanned walks. I allow my curiosity to guide where I end up taking my silent walks and I often make fun discoveries along my path. The other day I found a couple of amazing books on one of these walks when I came across a little free library! 

Quieting our minds can be a way to get curious about what is going on in there, what tracks are playing, where do they lead you and which tracks of thought do you need to reevaluate? Are there unhealthy thoughts that you can redirect? Is there inspiration that you could nurture into a new project or idea? Silence is a great way to get to know yourself. 

5)    Take time to play!

A lot of people have been picking up new hobbies while at home. However, play doesn't just have to be a new hobby. It doesn't have to look like drawing or photography or a large new commitment. It could also be just watching the trees outside of your window, or trying a new way of thinking about something. Perhaps you add play to an existing habit or activity like making food. Play can simply look like finding out where you can let go and experiment with your life and not worry too much about the outcome. It could be taking time out of your day to doodle or adding playfulness to your cleaning routines - maybe you dance to 80s pop while vacuuming. Find a couple ways to shake up and add joy and experimentation to your life and see where that takes you, you might make some new discoveries about yourself. 

6)    Dress up just for you! 

Though we might be at home, the psychology of how we present ourselves still affects us tremendously. If you wear your sweats and pajamas around all day - odds are you are going to feel a little grimy at some point. It is so natural to want to do that, especially when you are barely seeing anyone. But this is also a great opportunity to love yourself! Dressing up just for you is a great way to show yourself some much needed love and attention. There is also no reason why you can't use this to experiment with new clothes. What colors make you feel like the real you? You are the only one that is around to see it and that is totally fine. It's a great way to enjoy that wonderful process. How do you want to present yourself to yourself (who btw is the most important person to present yourself to). During the pandemic, I have discovered that I gravitate more towards comfortable clothing. I like to wear similar silhouettes and quite honestly stick to a lot of the same clothes every day. This has led me to downsizing a lot of my wardrobe, which is exciting. Approaching things with curiosity and play in this way can make something that feels depressing, like dressing up when no one is going to see your sleek look and turn it into an empowering self discovery! 

I want to mention that it may not be possible to implement all these tools at the same time. It is important to integrate them slowly and thoughtfully into your life. The most important thing is being aware of tools and resources that you can provide yourself and listen to what your body actually needs. No two bodies are the same.

Having said that I wish you the best of luck on your journey to create a positive environment for your body and mind. It might be hard at first to consistently implement tools and experiment but once you find your rhythm, small changes can make a huge difference in your overall mood. 

Iram Asghar is a 24 year old, Chicago based Textile Artist who is very passionate about mental health advocacy and using art making as a healing modality to process emotions and trauma. She has a small textile art business and is always thinking of new ways to use art as a means to advocate for mental health.

PROUD

Proud

My psychiatrist told me to be proud of myself this week.

I made an appointment with her after, on Sunday, I spent 12 hours in the car returning my new puppy after having her for less than two weeks. Ashamed and at my breaking point, I was unaware how to move forward.

As soon as I brought home the puppy, which I had envisioned as the one-size-fits-all solution to the loneliness I felt after coming back from my extended visit home earlier in the pandemic, I was ecstatic. I’d been obsessively counting down the days from 36 to 0 and when she was in my arms, I felt like I was on top of the world.

That feeling lasted less than a day. It turned out that, since she was the runt of her litter, she was coddled so much that she never learned how to be alone for even a single moment. Anxious and needy, she started throwing hours-long tantrums that broke me as much as they broke her. She and I were not eating, sleeping, or functioning.

I knew, going into the process, that puppies were extremely difficult to deal with, but I underestimated how much raising a puppy would affect me mentally. As the days dragged on, neither of us had any quality of life. Everything became too much so quickly that I started to feel like I haven’t since my junior year of college - pounding heart, zero appetite, weak body, and anxiety so steady and pervasive that I couldn’t stop crying multiple times a day.

I tried so many things. Different kinds of training, forcing myself to be positive, reminding myself that there were good times to come. But as time continued, I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel that was steadily worsening as the puppy developed physical in addition to emotional problems. I was at my wit’s end when I took her to a Zoom class and someone spoke about rehoming.

I hadn’t considered it then, but I burst into tears at the thought that there was a way for both the puppy and I to be happy, even if that meant not being together.

I used a strategy my psychiatrist calls a “brain dump” - which involves writing down every thought in my head until things start making sense. It didn’t take me long to write two pages that concluded with the idea that the only reason I was keeping the puppy for myself instead of returning her to the breeder for training and rehoming was a desire to prove that I was strong.

After talking this out with family and friends, I came to realize that it is strong to give up on a dream when it’s not working out. It’s strong to do the right thing and take the time and effort (which was extreme, considering the breeder’s distance and the complicated plans that had to be made) to ensure that the puppy will have a good future. My vet said I could drop her off at a shelter, but I wanted to do what was best for her.

We had one last full day between when I decided to give her up and when it was time to say goodbye. I carried her outside and sat with her on the grass. She met a few of my friends, some in real life and some virtually. I gave her treats and hugs and kisses and was able to be more positive with her as I finally felt the hope of calming down.

On that last day, I was a mess, even if I knew better times were coming. I convinced myself that someone “normal” could have dealt with such severe separation anxiety better than a person like me. I thought that there was no way for me to ever get a dog again. I cried and cried and the puppy licked my tears away as I promised her a much better life.

Two days after returning her to the breeder, I called my psychiatrist. I told her everything that had happened, how I felt weak for having even some of the intense symptoms I last experienced my junior year in college, the way I doubted my ability to take on other kinds of responsibilities.

She told me that she was proud of me, and I was shocked.

How could she be proud of me when I couldn’t even make it 2 weeks with a puppy? How could she be proud when I made the decision based on faulty logic from obsessive thoughts telling me that I was incapable of living alone, especially during a pandemic? I had listened to my thoughts and it led me down a path that came so close to breaking me. I was as far as possible from proud of myself.

She explained that she was proud of how I dealt with the circumstances. She recommended more CBT work to deal with the thoughts that got me into the situation in the first place, but she told me that it was a huge step for me to be able to know when I needed help, seek it out in a timely way from the right places, and make the difficult but ultimately right decision to return my puppy.

Instead of framing this as a failure, she suggested I frame this as using strength to get out of a lose-lose situation. I was so entrenched in my fear of being alone during the pandemic that I got myself into this situation, but I am getting out of it by using healthy coping mechanisms. It might take time, but hopefully soon, both the puppy and I will be in a much better place.

First, I will need to deconstruct the thoughts that got me here in the first place. I was so convinced that I couldn’t make it alone that I needed a dog as soon as possible, and when I couldn’t get a shelter application approved, I relaxed my standards and went for a puppy when I had been determined not to do that. I got so obsessed with the idea of getting a dog as soon as possible that I fell for a scam and then, when I found a breeder, counted down the days with such a frenzy that it worried my family and friends.

Even though I’m still dealing with a lot of shame from both listening to these thoughts and giving up the puppy, I’m going to do my best to be proud of myself this week. It might take some time, especially considering how much I had bonded with my puppy while she was here, but in the end I believe I will able to get back to my equilibrium. Maybe even more than that - now that I won’t be using the puppy as a coping mechanism, I can try to work on my quality of life in a healthier way. I can use CBT and thought journals to deal with the fear I didn’t want to face in March and use my strength to get past this tough situation.

There will always be a part of me that loves and misses the puppy, but I know that I made the right decision for both of us. And with the decision made, she and I can both grow in a way that makes us both proud.

Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

MEMORY

Memory

I have very few memories of my childhood.

I cherish the ones I can, the ones where I am growing up happy and safe with my parents and Nana, surrounded by love. But there are also the ones I don’t want to remember, the ones where I am plagued by obsessions and not truly living life.

While writing this blog, I reach out to family to see if I can get any guidance on things I don’t remember, both the good and the bad. It’s important to see the whole picture, yet - as my psychiatrist told me - my brain decided to shelter me from the more painful memories.

It sheltered me from the specifics of the bullying I endured every day before I learned how to act “normal,” before I had good friends who thought of my abnormalities as “quirks” rather than anything to shun me for. I spent so long trying to be someone I wasn’t at the time, and not enough time figuring out how to make happiness in the moment that would stay.

I’ve always lived for the future. As an impatient person, I’m often looking forward to so many things that it’s hard for me to be in the moment. I hardly know how to, in fact, and when I try mindfulness, I lose patience quickly. When I’m waiting for something, I want the days to go by as quickly as possible, and it was like that when I was a child as well, so tormented by obsessive thoughts that I couldn’t let myself sit and linger on a moment that would turn painful.

Now that I’m older, I regret this mindset of my youth even as I find myself engaging in it now. It’s strange to have to learn about my own childhood from spreadsheets and stories, photo albums where I smile in pictures without remembering them. It’s weird to not be able to think of things for myself and have to ask, then get into awkward conversations about important things I should remember but don’t.

Today, I did an interview with Mom about my past. I knew the answers to some of the questions from similar conversations we’ve had, but I am also aware that many of these memories are likely not true from my own perspective. I likely experienced these moments differently - instead of as an adult watching me get bullied and teased, I was getting bullied and teased. Instead of hearing reports from the guidance counselor whose hobby seemed to be following me around at all times, I was watching her follow me around corners and write things down and I never knew what she was going to say.

It’s disconcerting, to say the least, that other people have more of a solid hold on my past than I do. My spreadsheet from Dad that he wrote about my childhood about is a good resource, but oftentimes it feels like I’m reading a story about someone else’s life instead of my own. I sometimes feel small ties to the past, bits and pieces that made it past my brain’s restriction, but sometimes I wish for more.

I wonder if what I experienced was really that terrible that it needed to be blocked off. I wonder if I would be a different person if I could remember everything, all the pain and all the good things that happened to me over the years. It’s especially strange considering that, even though I love writing characters with deep ties to their past and their people’s past, I have such a small connection to my own.

Small memories burst through the cracks of the fortress my brain has built around these memories, snaking through like flowers growing through the sidewalk. I remember some silly things, funny moments, books I read, and people I knew. But at the same time, it feels like trying to put together the puzzle of my life with so many of the pieces missing.

Whenever I’ve based a blog entry on a memory, I know that there must be dozens of other examples I could have used. What made this particular one stick out to me and stay in my mind after the others left?

I sometimes speculate that I remember things more easily when I wasn’t having bad days with my OCD. When I’m having bad days, they blur together until I can barely tell the days apart, my focus so heavy on what’s inside my mind that I can barely focus on what’s outside.

I don’t like to think that my childhood had more days like that than days without obsessive thoughts taking over most of the day. At the same time, however, the fact that I don’t remember much combined with the fact that what I do remember is tinged with OCD in the background makes me think that this is how I must have grown up.

I find this terribly sad. I grew up with a kind, loving family who did the best they could with me, but their love couldn’t make me have a normal childhood. We went on family vacations where all I remember is getting sick or being afraid of getting sick. We read books together, sang songs, watched movies, went to plays. We did everything I imagine in a loving and happy childhood, but so much of it is tainted that it’s hard to separate the wheat from the chaff.

I suppose the only way to go forward from here is to do what I’ve done all this time - live for the future - but also try to focus on enjoying the present, making the most out of everything I do so that I have memories to draw from in the future. When I have children one day, I might not be able to tell them what I was like at their age, but I hope I will be able to learn from the lessons of my past - even if they come from others - and build a future I can be proud of.

Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.

Panic

Panic

Here’s what it feels like:

I’m in my first-ever improv show, on a team I joined to help me be more okay with saying “yes” to things instead of always being afraid and saying “no.” I started learning improv almost a year ago, and was supposed to have a show in March, but then the pandemic hit and the show was canceled.

Thanks to a strange series of events, several friends and I tried out for a team and I ended up making it, not knowing any of the people I’d practiced with before.

I’ve never been good at new things. I’m comfortable with doing the same thing over and over until I’m confident I’ll do it right, until it feels so rote that there’s almost no chance of it going wrong. But with improv, everything is constantly changing, so I thought it would be a good way to practice a controlled measure of chaos.

On the day of my first show, I was confident when I saw my friends writing in the chat that they were looking forward to seeing me, but I was also nervous that I was going to mess up in front of people I knew. I comforted myself by reminding myself that I knew exactly what I was going to do - I knew what games I was playing and who I was playing them with, and I did well in practice with those exact games and people.

As the time approached, I felt more nervous and excited. My emotions were ramped up and by the time I turned on my screen to participate, I knew it was game time and I needed to be ready no matter what I was feeling. It’s a sentiment that I feel when I go into major tests, job interviews, and other things that I’m nervous for ahead of time but can muster a good response in the moment no matter what my head and heart are doing.

I was going to be fine. But then, the person tasked with introducing the game changed how it worked. The entire premise changed, and all my plans went out the window. I was on camera already, so there was no chance of calming down. The smile froze on my face as the announcer left the screen and it was just me and my scene partner expected to do something I felt completely unprepared for in front of way too many people who I suddenly felt were judging me behind their computer screens.

It didn’t matter that the suggestion from the audience related to technology and computers, two topics I’m well-versed with. It didn’t matter that the people who came to watch me were my friends and family who had nothing but my best interests in mind. It didn’t matter that my scene partner was not going to let me fall because she wouldn’t want to fall either.

All I knew was that I was screwed, lost and gaping like a dead fish in front of a crowd of 40 friends and family members who were expecting the best.

My Fitbit recorded a heart rate of 156 beats per minute for just that one minute, the one where I had to wipe my brain of everything I had rehearsed and come up with something off the top of my head. My scene partner started speaking as I could feel my heart pounding, blood rushing, palms sweating.

My friends couldn’t see that I was panicking, because I did what I always do when I’m nervous: I started talking. Every time I go to the doctor for a blood draw, try to navigate through a tough point in a friendship or romantic relationship, or basically anytime I’m very nervous and don’t know what to do, I fill the silence in my brain by filling the silence in the room. I never know if what I say is going to make sense or if I sound like a rambling mess afterwards. I just know that it’s something I’ve always done, and even if it seems to be a little too close to a regression to when I was a child and couldn’t stop myself from doing this, it carries me through situations like this when panic takes over.

In improv, thankfully, it works better than in many other situations like chattering away at a nurse trying to take a vial of blood. I barely remember the suggestions I made or the things I did during the game, but apparently, I didn’t look nervous. I looked like I was playing a chatty character, which was the best possible outcome for that situation.

I was leading the next game, and since I had written everything down for that, I didn’t have to be particularly creative. It still felt strange, though, with anxiety peeking in at the strangest moments. Even as I called on people to perform their puns, I kept overthinking things - less and less as time went on, but definitely following a downward path ever since the one big spike when I didn’t know if I was going to crash and burn.

My chatterbox self took over in that moment because it’s who I used to be. As a child, I had to learn - over and over and over again - to let other people talk, to occasionally come up for air, to stop taking up so much space in conversations and classrooms and more. I trained myself well, and only in situations where the panic takes over do I revert to the endless motormouth pattern I displayed throughout my childhood.

It comes out at times of pure, raw panic when my executive function shuts down. Panic, for me, is not something I remember afterwards. It’s not something I can try to try to mitigate in the moment, in the middle of a scenario where I’m terrified and feel like the only option is fight or flight. My body shakes, sometimes, when I’m in the grip of it, as if it can’t decide whether to hide or flee. My eyes tend to go wide. My mouth falls open. I never, ever know what to do.

Luckily, panic moments for me are few and far between, but it wasn’t always like that. I had my first panic attack during my junior year of college and thanks to my OCD, I was unable to calm down at all. Whereas most panic attacks last for a few minutes at best or a few hours at worst, mine went on for days. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I started losing touch with everything I was as the days blended together.

These moments of panic remind me what it felt like then, when everything was so far out of my control and nothing anyone said or did could bring me back. These moments make me want to hide under the table, wait for my heart to stop beating so fast, and then take an evening of self-care as I feel thrown for a while afterwards.

Strangely enough, no one noticed that I felt like this at the show. Apparently, my talking looked confident, and when I was reading off my script, I looked like I knew exactly what I was doing. No one realized I forgot to take off my sunglasses at a crucial moment and no one realized I was twirling them around in my left hand instead of putting them back on. No one knew this time, but in past times, I’ve lost friends and alienated myself inadvertently when I lost control and people did notice.

These moments are strange because they’re so different from my typical experience with OCD. Usually, when I’m afraid of something, so many thoughts cloud my head that it’s difficult to isolate a single thought or think clearly. But when I panic like this, it’s the complete opposite experience. My mind is completely blank, and that almost never happens in daily life so it’s even more alarming. The mere fact that there is nothing in my head makes me think “Do something!” over and over and over, but forcing myself out of the rut almost never works.

Even considering this reaction to my first show, I am glad I signed up for an improv team. Giving myself more opportunities to not know everything that’s going to happen and try new things can hopefully help mitigate these moments in the future, as trying something new won’t be quite so scary if I can desensitize myself to the experience of saying “yes.”  

Ellie, a writer new to the Chicago area, was diagnosed with OCD at age 3. She hopes to educate others about her condition and end the stigma against mental illness.